Haunting - that's the word. I have been haunted by this article. The story of Jay's upbringing in the midst of the heyday and then crash of his parent's empire, The PTL Club and Heritage USA, is tragic in many ways. But that's not what haunts me. Instead, I am haunted by his boldness and determination to keep on keepin' on. By his willingness to try something new, even when he's persecuted for it. By his honesty in declaring what he thinks without claiming answers. Even when such declaration means losing financial support (and health insurance - I have a great fear of living without health insurance).
I am not so bold. Not even close. I struggle with words, constantly questioning myself. What should I say? How should I say it? Is it going to make someone mad? Is it going to get me and my loved ones in trouble? Does it really matter if I, insignificant as I am, speak up? While I believe it is important to consider what words we use, I lean towards the Not Saying Anything At All camp. And that's just a cop-out.
And even more importantly - what about my actions? What have I ever really risked? Sometimes it feels like a big risk that we moved to Roanoke, taking a big pay cut in order to move to a place we felt called to. Sometimes it feels like too much of a risk, when I feel a sense of panic every time I look at our checking account. When I get the news that health insurance is going up yet again while benefits are going down and salaries remain stagnant. When I buy into the conventional wisdom that we need to build savings, but there's nothing to save. When I gave up staying at home with my kids in order to pay the bills. Sometimes it feels like too much.
But really, what have I risked? We still have jobs. We still have health insurance. We still pay the bills. We still have time together as a family. We still have every last thing that we need. And if the financial worst were to happen - if we were to lose our jobs and were unable to pay the bills - it wouldn't be the end of the world. We could always move in with our families - I think they would let us. It would be awful, yes, but totally survivable. More than survivable. It would never take away the love we have in our lives.
So really, I have risked practically nothing. And that seems wrong, doesn't it? Shouldn't there be some risk in a life-affirming faith? Faith in a God-Man who himself risked everything. Maybe I don't need to risk my life (thankfully, my timid soul) or even my livelihood. But I think I do need to risk more of my Self.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." But I'm not even sure what that is. Ooh, that sounds kind of arrogant, doesn't it, like "I think I can do anything!" That's not what I mean, of course :). I mean, I'm not sure what it is I should be doing that I think I can't do. I'm not even sure that I should be thinking of it that way. I'm just not sure about much right now, huh?
A quote from the article: (from the author, not Jay Bakker) "Maybe the opposite of faith isn’t doubt. Maybe the opposite of faith is certainty, a comforting belief in your own rightness." I guess in that case I've got plenty of faith because I've got almost no certainty. Lots and lots of questions, but very little certainty. Live with it, grasshopper, live with it.
I found this on Jay Bakker's Twitter feed: "The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable." ~ Paul Tillich. Hmmm, maybe I should give myself a break. Or maybe I should believe enough in my own God-given value that I take some sort of step of faith. Or maybe I should just wait. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe. *sigh*
Maybe I'll have more responses to my questions next time. Maybe ;).
*Son of a Preacher Man is the title of Jay Bakker's memoir.
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