biologically determined?

I told my husband that my goal for school this go-round was passing, not perfection. That's a crock of $#*@.

I wish it were true. Really I do. But I seem to be biologically (environmentally?) incapable of letting things slide when it comes to school. I don't have this problem in other areas of my life (witness my house), but for some reason school brings out the perfectionist in me.

Which is freakin' frustrating.

If I had the kind of time I had at Duke, then sure, no problem. Strive for perfection, fine. That GPA isn't ultimately very important, but if you're capable of nerdiness, then why not use it? But this go-round, I do not have the same kind of time. I begin my day's work at 6 in the morning and often don't stop until 10 in the evening. Now, by "work" I include things like cooking and cleaning and monitoring homework and a few minutes of actual playing with kiddoes (not just paid work and school), so I don't mean for it to sound like my life is a weary grind of work-work. The pace is full but manageable. But it is full. There's not much extra time during the week. So sometimes it would be helpful if I could be satisfied with less-than-best schoolwork.

But I can't! I don't seem to know how. Is it because school was the one thing I was always good at? In most other areas of life, I was mediocre. Sports, art, music, leadership, etc. I was generally OK at things, but rarely very good at them. Except for school. Maybe I derived too much self-esteem from my grades. But now? Really? I'm STILL there? Must I really still be the class nerd?

And unfortunately, I see these tendencies in my daughter.  My daughter who used to write with such free-spiritedness. My girl who could not write her spelling words in a straight line last year and wrote the largest letters in the class is now suddenly obsessed with perfect handwriting. Oh, the tears and drama over the cursive handwriting sheet! And I missed the drama when she realized she missed 2 on her reading test and only made a 90 (daddy got that one)!

*sigh* I wish I could teach her to not worry so much. I wish I could teach myself. And to a certain extent, I have. I don't worry about grades so much, but I still must do my best. I just hope it doesn't take My Girl so long to get past the worry. But the apple doesn't fall far...

time enough

It's been a while since I've written (well, other than that post that some of you may have caught that I went back and deleted, though I saved it for my kids - sometimes its best to calm down before hitting the publish button).

Life is busy. Sometimes it feels too busy, but I don't think it is, not really. It just requires a lot more planning and intentionality right now. And it requires more juggling with My Man, who has been wonderful at taking over a bunch of the kid responsibilities while I'm out of the house more. I know there will be days when the tension radiates up my back and I fight the urge to scream because there's TOO MUCH TO DO! But I think those days will be rare, as long as I remind myself of what is truly important. Some things that are NOT important:

• a clean house.
• organic, natural food all of the time.
• making straight A's.
• providing the perfect enrichment activities for my children every day.
• a savings account.
• regular blog entries.

And some things that are:

• telling my family every day that I love them and appreciate them just as they are.
• noticing the beauty around me, even in an A & P lab.
• taking a deep breath when my children are driving me crazy and reminding myself that this day with them is a gift, a gift that some other moms don't have.
• reading stories over and over and over again, without skipping lines.
• doing schoolwork a little bit at a time, and being satisfied with enough.
• sleep.
• talking to friends, even if it's just on the phone.
• spending time with my husband.
• hugging my children.
• playing, playing, playing.
• pausing to help someone in need.

Sometimes it feels like there's not enough time, but there is. There is time to do and grow and be. There is time to rest and hope and trust. There is time to love, and to be loved. I do not want to rush from one moment to the next without noticing the now. I do not want to wait for a mythical future when all the pieces will be in place. I want to cherish today without worrying so much about tomorrow.

My prayer for today: Help us to see as You see, love as You love, do as You would do. Amen.