thursday thoughts

A stream of consciousness for today:

• I love the spring. I love the greenness, the vibrant colors, the torrential rains. It's so alive.
• We're in the middle of softball season, which began as a season of angst and drama. My Girl is not good at becoming one with a group (wonder where she gets that from?!?). But we jumped a hurdle last week...she finally, finally, finally got to play in the pitcher position (her most coveted), and she got 3 outs in that game (which, for this mini mite league, is a lot). Since then she has been much happier, more confident. It's nice to see her smile. And she still does ballerina twirls in the dirt!
• My Boy has been clinging to me more lately. I think this past very busy semester took its toll on us all. There were some days I would hardly see the kiddoes. We survived fine, but we missed each other. I'm glad it's done.
• But now the summer semester begins. Ugh. It shouldn't be as bad as the spring, but I'm still tired. Probably because I have a cold. I'll feel better about it tomorrow.
• I love my new ice cream maker (Mother's Day present). I love that I can come home from work, and 30 minutes later I'll have wonderful, fresh ice cream ready. This does nothing for my half-hearted attempt to reduce the amount of sugar I eat (lots of diabetes in my family), but right now I just don't care! I'm less tempted to eat a huge bowl of the real stuff, anyway. A little of the wonderful richness is highly satisfying.
• We're ready for school to be done. The kids' school, that is. Particularly The Girl's. Academically, this has been a good year for her. Personally, it's been very hard. We're ready for a break.
• Both kids are obsessed with Transformers right now. I blame The Man. And the library...for carrying the old cartoons on DVD. I cannot for the life of me transform the big Transformers! Those are seriously difficult suckers to work. The Boy doesn't even ask me anymore. "I'll ask Daddy" gets said a lot.
• Now that the main piano season is done and the recital is over, The Girl plays the piano All.The.Time! When I wanted her to practice, it was an ordeal. Now that she doesn't have to, that's all she does. Sometimes I think she has a Drive.Mommy.Crazy setting, and it's almost always on.
• We're reading Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator (sequel to the Chocolate Factory) out loud with The Girl right now. I had to skip large parts of one of the chapters because of the cultural insensitivity. *sigh* I don't remember these things.
• The Man went to a great children's and youth ministry conference last week. It's good to see him passionate and excited. And it's fun to begin working on a new project with him. More on that another time.
• The Man brought home from the conference a Jesus Storybook Bible to read with the kiddoes. The Boy was skeptical...it disrupted his usual story routine at bedtime. But now that's his most favorite book! He doesn't want me to stop reading it, and he won't let me take it out of his room so we can read it with The Girl, too. It's kinda sweet. And a reminder to me not to overlook the spirituality of little kids, and the power of story.
• I started to think about trying the Couch to 5K program again. I'll get over it tomorrow.

That's all for now!

mom enough

There's been lots of chatter this week about the TIME magazine cover titled "Are You Mom Enough?" that pictures a beautiful young mother breastfeeding her three year old son as he stands on a stool. It's a weird picture and an obvious ploy to sell more magazines, though perhaps the actual article (which is supposed to look at attachment-style parenting) is good. I don't know. I'll never read it. Not because I'm opposed, but because I don't care enough about it.

The so-called "mommy wars" have never meant much to me. I know that they are real, that women and mothers do judge one another for their choices, that some mothers face a lot of criticism from other mothers, that some mothers feel they must defend their decisions while other mothers feel their decisions are the best decisions for everyone.

But I am not one of those mothers. I have never been in a position where I felt like other mothers were judging me for my mothering choices. Not other mothers in my physical presence, I mean (I could find plenty on the internet, I know). Maybe they were. Maybe they were rolling their eyes like crazy behind my back, but I can't point to a specific instance or even a general time when I felt like others were judging me "not mom enough." Now, I can remember plenty of times when I worried that my screaming, out-of-control, monster child must make me look like the worst mom in the world, but I can't remember anyone doing something to make me feel that way. No one ever said to me, "Why can't you control that child?" No one ever gave me a stink-face. No one ever gave me unsolicited advice.

Am I just blind to the judgment around me? Maybe.
Do I exude a stay-off-me vibe? Probably.
Am I ambivalent about what others think about me? Definitely not.

I regularly worry about what others think - too much - even though I'm not supposed to.

But still, no one has ever done or said anything specifically to me to make me feel like a bad mom.

I do that to myself.

Every morning when my child cries that she doesn't want to go to school because she's so lonely, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every afternoon when I should be excited to see my kids after a long day of work and school but really just want some time to myself, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every evening when my temper flares and the bedtime battles bring out the worst in me, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every single day, I worry that I haven't built them up enough, haven't guided them gracefully enough, haven't hugged them strong enough.

I worry that I am not mom enough.

I don't need magazines or communities or mommies to tell me I'm not mom enough. I've got that one covered all by myself.

I don't have the right answers...for my own children or for others. It amazes me that some mothers seem so sure. From the moment that tiny little girl with the winking eye and the spiky brown hair was placed in my weak, trembling arms, I have been unsure. If I ever thought being a  mom would make me stronger, I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Being a mom has brought out every insecurity a hundredfold. It has brought me to my knees in fear and dismay and hope and an overwhelming love that is terrified of getting it wrong.

And I will get it wrong. I do get it wrong. A lot.

But I do not get it ALL wrong.

As I tell My Girl in her angstiest moments, "I love you with my whole heart, always, no matter what." It's not always enough, that love. It's not enough to fix the past and ensure the future. It's not enough to heal all the hurt and right all the wrong. But it is enough to heal some of it. And it is a gift I can give my children that many children don't receive.

My love, my choices, my actions will never be truly enough. I cannot be everything for them. But I can try to be the best me for them.

Am I mom enough? No, I'm not. If there is such a thing, that role belongs to Another. Another Mother who will heal all the hurts and right all the wrongs in the end. But that Mother is not me.

I am not an enough mom, but I love my kids with my whole heart, always, no matter what. And that makes me a good mom.

another perspective...

I've read a number of things in response to the passing of NC Amendment One. Critical and thoughtful things. Happy and celebratory things. Sad and angry things. Gracious and kind things. But in my opinion, this is one of the best:

Why I almost didn't vote AGAINST Amendment One, written by a seminary colleague who lives her faith more than anyone else I know. She has more than earned the right to point to our (my) blindness. Read it, please.

Amendment One is wrong. It is right that so many fought against it.

But it is not the only wrong, and too many people have no one to fight for them because we (I) turn a blind eye to them. We (I) hide in our safety zones. We (I) ignore what we don't want to see. There may be no amendment to fight against, but there are still people who need advocates, neighbors, friends.

It's easy to type out a few words and click "publish." It's not so easy to do something about the walls.

and so it goes...

Yesterday NC Amendment One passed, much to no one's surprise, but to many's great sadness. I shed some tears and said some prayers for those I know (and don't know) who are affected by this. Stating the obvious here, but the majority is not always right, and sometimes they are very, very wrong. **

Sometimes the road seems too long and the way too rocky, but a facebook friend reminded me (sometimes fb has its uses!):

"The moral arc of the universe, though it is long, bends toward justice."
 - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Though justice sometimes seems so far away (particularly when we can't even agree on what it is), sometimes it is closer than you expect, like here.

Love will win in the end. This I believe.


** I know there are good people who disagree with me about this issue. I don't doubt their goodness, but I do believe they're wrong. 

for the record...



photo by essygie, flickr


If I still lived in NC, today I would vote AGAINST Amendment One...the proposed amendment to the NC Constitution which would define marriage as between one man and one woman and would "void other types of domestic unions from carrying legal status."

Gay marriage is already illegal in NC. The amendment will just make it harder to change that in the future. But the amendment also threatens custody, abuse protection, health care, and heath care decisions for both minors and adults in families without a marriage certificate. And that's just nuts.

For the record...I support gay marriage. Not just domestic partnership...marriage. In the church. I believe a man and a man or a woman and a woman can commit themselves to each other for a lifetime family of faith, including having and raising children. I believe this not in spite of my faith, but because of my faith. I believe Jesus would dance at gay weddings and turn their water into the most fabulous wine.

This is what I believe, but even if I didn't, I hope that I would still reject Amendment One, because it is redundant, mean-spirited, dangerous (to heterosexual families, too) and does nothing to protect marriage. My marriage is not threatened by gay couples. My children's view of relationships is not threatened by gay couples. They will not become either homosexual or heterosexual because of the marriages they see. What can threaten marriage in our society is not laws allowing for it, but a society that is flippant with relationship commitment...of any kind.

I know that the Amendment is likely to pass, not because a majority of NC citizens necessarily support it but because the voting population does. I hope that I am wrong, but I am skeptical. I believe that even if it does pass, it will be overturned eventually, because that is the direction our country is headed, one slow step at a time. I suppose that is why the Amendment was proposed...to halt those steps for a time. It won't be forever...this I believe...but in the meantime, families and individuals will be needlessly hurt by this Amendment. And that just makes me sad.

'round Roanoke



photo of Roanoke from Mill Mountain by taberandrew, flickr


When my mother came to visit us over Easter, she brought with her an article from her local Oklahoma paper...about Roanoke! Seriously...an Oklahoma paper picked ROANOKE as a nice tourist destination, putting it front and center in their living section, with a big picture of Hotel Roanoke above the fold.

Once I got over my shock (I'm a little surprised that anyone in Oklahoma had even heard of Roanoke!), I decided the article made a good point - Roanoke really does have some good things to offer. I've known this, and enjoyed a number of Roanoke-y things in the past couple of years, but I think there's much more to explore. And since I've declared that we can NEVER MOVE AGAIN, it seems like a good idea to find out more about my adopted home town.

I've never before had a home town. Ever. I don't know what it means to feel a place in your blood, not really. This isn't a bad thing. It makes my perspective wider, my experience broader. But if this town is the place I'm finally going to put down roots, then I'd better work on it, because I don't know how to put down roots, and I want to embrace this place for what it is as well as what it can be.

So beginning now, I'm setting a new goal (and we know how good I am at sticking to goals...hear the sarcasm):

I, Susan of Roanoke, shall attempt to experience one new Roanoke-y thing every week!

Every week! That's too much, I know. I'll never meet that goal, but I might as well aim big! And a disclaimer:  "Roanoke-y" shall include all things in the city and county of Roanoke as well as the surrounding area...anything I can reasonably get to and from in a day.

I've already made a start on this. We went with my in-laws to the Roanoker restaurant for breakfast this weekend. Despite the fact that I pass this restaurant every.single.day, I had never before stepped into it. And this was the restaurant that the Oklahoma paper declared THE BEST place for biscuits. So goodness, we needed to try out THE BEST biscuits! (they were very good, though I wouldn't personally call them THE BEST)

For the upcoming weekend, I'm hoping to go to Blacksburg for the first time ever (I can hear the gasp of dismay from the VT folks).

Then what shall be next? If you're local and have suggestions, let me know! I'm excited (and my homebody self is a little nervous) to step up our Roanoke adventure. What shall we see 'round Roanoke? What shall we experience? Who shall we know? (and why all the "shalls"?) I'm starting as a tourist, really, but I hope that over time it'll seep into my blood and become home.