mom enough

There's been lots of chatter this week about the TIME magazine cover titled "Are You Mom Enough?" that pictures a beautiful young mother breastfeeding her three year old son as he stands on a stool. It's a weird picture and an obvious ploy to sell more magazines, though perhaps the actual article (which is supposed to look at attachment-style parenting) is good. I don't know. I'll never read it. Not because I'm opposed, but because I don't care enough about it.

The so-called "mommy wars" have never meant much to me. I know that they are real, that women and mothers do judge one another for their choices, that some mothers face a lot of criticism from other mothers, that some mothers feel they must defend their decisions while other mothers feel their decisions are the best decisions for everyone.

But I am not one of those mothers. I have never been in a position where I felt like other mothers were judging me for my mothering choices. Not other mothers in my physical presence, I mean (I could find plenty on the internet, I know). Maybe they were. Maybe they were rolling their eyes like crazy behind my back, but I can't point to a specific instance or even a general time when I felt like others were judging me "not mom enough." Now, I can remember plenty of times when I worried that my screaming, out-of-control, monster child must make me look like the worst mom in the world, but I can't remember anyone doing something to make me feel that way. No one ever said to me, "Why can't you control that child?" No one ever gave me a stink-face. No one ever gave me unsolicited advice.

Am I just blind to the judgment around me? Maybe.
Do I exude a stay-off-me vibe? Probably.
Am I ambivalent about what others think about me? Definitely not.

I regularly worry about what others think - too much - even though I'm not supposed to.

But still, no one has ever done or said anything specifically to me to make me feel like a bad mom.

I do that to myself.

Every morning when my child cries that she doesn't want to go to school because she's so lonely, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every afternoon when I should be excited to see my kids after a long day of work and school but really just want some time to myself, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every evening when my temper flares and the bedtime battles bring out the worst in me, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every single day, I worry that I haven't built them up enough, haven't guided them gracefully enough, haven't hugged them strong enough.

I worry that I am not mom enough.

I don't need magazines or communities or mommies to tell me I'm not mom enough. I've got that one covered all by myself.

I don't have the right answers...for my own children or for others. It amazes me that some mothers seem so sure. From the moment that tiny little girl with the winking eye and the spiky brown hair was placed in my weak, trembling arms, I have been unsure. If I ever thought being a  mom would make me stronger, I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Being a mom has brought out every insecurity a hundredfold. It has brought me to my knees in fear and dismay and hope and an overwhelming love that is terrified of getting it wrong.

And I will get it wrong. I do get it wrong. A lot.

But I do not get it ALL wrong.

As I tell My Girl in her angstiest moments, "I love you with my whole heart, always, no matter what." It's not always enough, that love. It's not enough to fix the past and ensure the future. It's not enough to heal all the hurt and right all the wrong. But it is enough to heal some of it. And it is a gift I can give my children that many children don't receive.

My love, my choices, my actions will never be truly enough. I cannot be everything for them. But I can try to be the best me for them.

Am I mom enough? No, I'm not. If there is such a thing, that role belongs to Another. Another Mother who will heal all the hurts and right all the wrongs in the end. But that Mother is not me.

I am not an enough mom, but I love my kids with my whole heart, always, no matter what. And that makes me a good mom.