a fierce love

photo © 2009 Leland Francisco (via: Wylio)
Yesterday was a hard day.  A day when I wondered what made me ever think I could be a good mom.  A day when I wondered why I ever thought living a ministry calling was a good idea.  A day when the best response I could give to "Will good triumph?" is "I hope so."  Dear God, I hope so.

Yesterday I got a lot of I-don't-love-you-anymore's and I-want-to-be-adopted's.  I tried to respond in calm and with love, but frankly, I don't know what to say to that.  I don't know what's best, anyway.  I don't know how to best parent this stubborn, intense, passionate girl who says out loud everything that comes into her head.  I don't know how to encourage both independence and compassion.  I just don't know.  What I do know is that I love her with a fierce love that brings me to my knees is dismay and fear and hope for her (and for me).

Yesterday I talked to a friend who has been hurt dreadfully by church (disclaimer: this friend is not local; I am not referring to my church).  This friend and her husband are both so kind and generous and wise and have given so much of their lives to ministry.  But now the church they have loved is tearing them down.  This isn't a new story, or even an unusual story.  Most of us who have been in the church for any amount of time have our own stories of hurt and betrayal.  Hurt and betrayal from the "body of Christ."  Hurt and betrayal from the community that is supposed to be our hope and refuge and rock to stand on.  Why is this so common?  Why?  Sure, I can give some theologically sound (in my mind, anyway) answers to this question, but ultimately, I don't know.  I just don't know.  What I do know is that I love these friends (and the Church) with a fierce love that brings me to my knees in dismay and fear and hope for them (and the Church).

Sometimes I can only fall on my knees. 

Rachel Held Evans recently wrote a blog post titled "Moms Scare Me," and one of the comments she got was from Jamie, The Very Worst Missionary (also an excellent blogger), who said "The best advice I ever received (and now the only advice I give) is this: 'You are going to make mistakes, and your children will love you anyway...Probably.'" 

Sometimes my biggest hope is in "probably."  Hope for my parenting.  Hope for my friends and family.  Hope for my community.  Hope for my church.  Probably. 

Usually that's enough.  And when it's not, I try to trust in that Fierce Love that envelops us and whispers to us, "Rise up."  "Rise up with Me; You are Loved; You are All Loved."