gratitude

I have never been a "stuff" kinda girl.  I've never cared too much about clothes or shoes or gadgets or the latest toy.  I was always more of a saver than a spender, even as a kid.  I almost never spent my allowance or my baby-sitting money.  And I always considered how much something cost.  But this wasn't something I was taught, at least not overtly.  It was just ingrained in me somehow. 

My Girl, though, she's a "stuff" kinda girl.  She loves new fancy clothes and new fun toys and new anything.  She's never asked for big, fancy stuff.  She is genuinely happy with small stuff.  But she likes stuff and has recently discovered the joy of having the same stuff as other kids.  Oh my. 

But she's also started to realize we don't have as much stuff as some others in our community.  Now, we have enough.  More than enough.  But we don't have the latest gadgets or go on the coolest trips or have the most fad toys.  And this is OK with me, but it's not-so-OK with her.  The other day she broke down in tears because she was worried that if kids went to someone else's house (with cooler stuff) then they wouldn't want to come to her house.  Oh my.

It was a wake-up call for me.  My Girl has a loud, in-your-face kind of personality, and it's sometimes easy to assume that means she's confident and self-assured.  But she's not.  She's worried about fitting in (something that is hard for her).  She's worried about not being good enough (schoolwork is sometimes a struggle).  And she's worried about being different.  And in her 6-year-old, concrete little mind, having the right stuff helps with all of that.

I wonder if I have inadvertently contributed to her worry about having stuff.  I try to be content with simple, but I worry about bills.  I worry about going out to eat or shopping or buying anything, really.  I worry about money.  And I wonder if my worry has seeped into her little heart. 

I'm not sure, but I know that I haven't been good at modeling gratitude to her.  Often I haven't modeled it because I haven't felt it.  And that's just not right.  Because I have so very much.  And even if I didn't, I have breath and life and love and beauty.  I am sustained.  More than sustained.  I am lifted up. 

And so I am going to work on gratitude.  In more than a haphazard, occasionally listing my blessings kind of way.  I am going to seek to breathe in and out gratitude with every breath.  And I am going to be grateful with my children and my husband.

My Girl and I have started a list.  "1000 gifts" (pictured above).  The idea was taken from Ann Voskamp, who started it as a blog practice, I think (she's into the 2000s).  But we have hung our list in our dining room where we can see it, and where we will be reminded to look for the gifts.  Small ones and big ones.