Do you ever feel like God is f*&%ing with you. Blasphemous, perhaps. But honestly, that's how it feels sometimes. It may not be true, but it's how it feels. Just after posting that hopeful new year's post yesterday, a series of events came down on my head, blowing that hope out of the water, and ending with me crying in a fetal position on my bathroom floor (drama queen? at least now I know where C gets it). And really, none of the events was very major. Just a series of WTF moments that make me want to bang my head against the wall.
But they're just moments. Small moments (well, except for the ID theft thing, but even that can be taken care of). Moments that are frustrating, but not life-determining. And this is where I falter a good bit. I tend to have a fight-or-flight reaction to these things, and since I'm more of a peacemaker than a fighter, my first response is often "well, f*&% this, let's just drop it and run." But that's not healthy. I recognize. At least, it's not healthy to automatically run without taking time to calm down and consider. Taking time to realize, this isn't that big a deal. Let it go.
Sometimes it is right to drop things and move on. After all, that's one of my biggest frustrations with the institutional church - it's inability (oftentimes, not always) to drop that which is no longer serving any good purpose. And sometimes it's right for me, personally, to drop a particular direction or idea or dream or even relationship. Sometimes it's right for me to run. But not always, or even usually. I have this inkling that we are more often supposed to stay, to work, to struggle, to hope. I am at the very least supposed to prayerfully consider jumping or running before actually jumping or running.
But honestly, jumping and running can be easier. I can move at the drop of a hat if necessary (though I pray to God it won't be necessary!). I can grab hold of a new direction with a tight grasp, if only it will shove the current difficulty out of my brain. Because emotionally letting go - that I have a problem with. Letting go of events out of my control. Letting go of drama that isn't serving any purpose. Letting go of dreams that don't quite work out.
Letting go of the obsessive chatter in my head. I'm always a little jealous of those who seem to let things roll right over them. I want that ability! Desperately! But that's not how I'm wired. I stay awake at night, going over and over and over whatever it is that bothers me. So last night after my crying jag on the bathroom floor, I figured I was in for a long night. But I got out the prayer book and sat in my ghetto recliner to do evening prayer. And guess what - it helped! Who'd'a thunk it?! *sigh*
I don't think prayer is a magical cure for all ills. I've certainly prayed often enough without feeling like I was getting anywhere. But last night, for that moment, praying the prayer book (which means I don't have to think really hard about what words to say - a plus for me) set all that drama in my head in its place. It cleared out the chatter and re-filled the void with some hope. And I slept. Yes, I actually slept. And I even got up at 5:30 this morning!
God is good, and God's light shines, circumstances notwithstanding. There is a place for us. There are dreams for us. There is a community for us, and there is good work for us. The Light shines. A good remembrance for today, Epiphany.
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