me too...

Every night, I lie in bed with My Girl for just a few minutes. Every night, even when there's been fighting and yelling and sighing and door-slamming...every night My Girl still wants me to lie down with with her. And even when I'm tired and just want to watch The Neighbors, goshdarnit, I treasure these moments when we remind each other that yes, we really do belong to each other. And sometimes, just sometimes, these are the moments when My Girl chooses to share a part of her heart. Like last night...

I hope God is real and heaven is real.

Me too, My Girl, me too.

I'm afraid

I'm afraid it's been since July 26, 2012...that was the last time I wrote in this space. 7 months of busy-ness and tiredness and hopefulness and sadness and joy and fear, but none of it seemingly blog-worthy. No Big Important Words to say. And so I stopped writing.

But today I write again, even though I still have No Big Important Words. Today I write again because I'm selfishly hoping the very act of writing will calm my heart and mind. At this point, I'll try anything. Maybe even meds. But I'll get to that.

Two months ago I quit the job I'd had for 3 1/2 years as a church secretary in order to finish my Occupational Therapy Assistant degree, which requires two 8-week full-time fieldwork assignments. It was a job I considered both a blessing and a curse. More blessing than curse, but the frustrations were wearing on me, and though the end was bittersweet, it wasn't an end I regretted. Until now. Because now I am almost through fieldwork experience #1, and I'm thinking if I had just stayed at the easy, predictable if unfulfilling job, life would be a whole lot calmer right now and I'd feel a lot less like I'm coming apart at the seams.

Why coming-apart-at-the-seams, you ask (all 4 of you who may actually read this). Well, here's why:

1. Turns out I kinda suck at pediatric OT, which my supervisors all say is OK at this point (and say I shouldn't used the word "suck") but means I am in a constant state of tension about how badly I'm doing at this job I really, really wanted to be good at. Pediatric OT was the whole reason I started OT. 
2. It's almost guaranteed I couldn't get a pediatric OT job upon graduation anyway, even if I were good at it (which remember, I'm not). 
3. Which means getting a job with adults, which is OK, except that I have so little experience with adults that I'm unsure whether I'll like it or hate it (or somewhere in between). 
4. And frankly, it doesn't really matter what I like or don't like about OT settings at this point. I have to get a job. I went back to school hoping to find a more fulfilling path for me, yes. But I mostly went back to school to get qualifications for a job so that finances wouldn't be such a worry every month (day). But now I have to actually find a job so that large school debt won't just put us in way worse shape than we were before ("way worse:" don't I sound like a middle-schooler). 
5. And I don't know how to find a job. Not in the real word. I've only done job searches in the ministerial world in the past (and that is definitely not the real world). Though I've had secretarial positions for the last 7 years, I never applied or interviewed for them. I got those because I knew someone. Even the job I got as a math teacher, I got with only a phone interview because my parents knew someone who had a son teaching at the school (the school was desperate, obviously). I don't know how to do a job search in the real world.
6. And even if I manage to get a job, what if I hate it? Or just tolerate it? What if I did all this for a job that I dread more than my old one? At least I'll be making more money, I guess.
7. But I'll be giving up for good (well, already have given up for good) the one dream I've had since childhood...being a stay-at-home mom. I know that's not glamorous or feminist or even what I'm good at, and I know that statistically very few women in this world can afford such luxury (please don't tell me we could afford it if we just budgeted better...I've tried that) but it's what I wanted, and if I couldn't be a stay-at-home mom, I at least wanted to be flexible enough to spend time with my family, but I feel like I've hardly seen them these last couple of years, and in the last couple of months even when I do see them, I'm such an exhausted zombie that I'm not good for much (how's that for a run-on sentence).
8. And so right now I'm looking at trying to survive another week of never-ending stress, then another 8 weeks of stress in a different setting (inpatient rehab) which I've seen before and didn't love the first time, then (or concurrently) the stress of finding a job (any job), then the stress of passing my certification exam so that I can keep/get said job, then who-knows-how-long to adjust to this new life that I've chosen but right now am very afraid of.
9. And I could add another list of stress over church, faith, community that would be longer than this one, but really, this seems long enough, doesn't it? Maybe I'll save that list for tomorrow.

In the meantime, the stress is getting to me. I've spent the last 4 hours unable to stop crying unless distracted by reading (or now writing). For the first time in my life, I'm thinking of making an appointment with my doctor to ask about anxiety meds. Because even if I survive this year, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the toll this stress is taking on my family, on my relationships with the ones I love the most. I'm afraid of what the stress is doing to my body physiologically. I'm afraid of always feeling so inadequate. I'm afraid of always being so sad and scared and confused. I'm afraid.

And now I'm going to publish without even re-reading this, which will be the first time I've ever not agonized over every word. But right now I'm going to play Crazy Faces with the family because The Boy asked while tears still stain my face, so editing will just have to wait.

where would you go?

"If you could go back to any time and place, where would you go?"

A friend asked me this question last night. I'm not one to have immediate answers to big questions, so I had to think a bit, but my first thought was, "Only somewhere with a modern bathroom!" Priorities.

Assuming that this place was somewhere I could hop into and out of at will (so the lack of modern hygiene would not be such a deterrent), the place and time I would most like to visit would be the place and time of Jesus.

How churchy of me, right? I was almost disappointed in myself.

But for real, that's where/when I'd go. I'd like to see this man I claim to follow. And not just the man, but the community around him. Would I experience some kind of magical charisma that turned the world on its head? Or would Jesus be quiet, subtle, subversive? Would I even like him? What were his friends really like? Were they all as clueless as Mark makes them seem? What about those disciples who don't speak up in the gospels, the introverted ones? Thaddeus, for instance...who was Thaddeus? And the women...particularly the women. How did Jesus interact with them? Were they full friends, or did they have a different place in the community?

I know I can guess about some of these things from reading the gospels, but that's all it is really...a guess.

One thing I'm pretty sure of, though: If I saw Jesus in his own time and place, he would be unexpected, different-than-I-imagined.

But that doesn't stop my imagining.

Maybe it's good that I can't go back in time to see him in the flesh. Maybe the years and culture separating us would make him seem so foreign, so strange, so unintelligible, that I would only be further confused about how to follow His Way.

Or maybe he would look me in the eye and say, "Come, follow me," and the confusion would fade away.

my failure

A few nights ago, I tried to explain to My Girl what an immigrant and a refugee are. While talking about living in a new country, I mentioned that after college I lived abroad for a couple years. My Girl did not know this. She's almost 8 years old, and she did not know that I ever lived outside of the U.S. She has not heard stories; she has not seen pictures; she had not even heard the name of the countries (Bosnia/Croatia). How could this be?

It's been 13 years since I returned from my 2 years overseas working for a missionary organization. 13 years, and I have hardly spoken of it. With anyone. And when I do break the silence, I speak of it only in general terms. Honest, but not too revealing, because I can't say what I'm supposed to say.

I can't say it was rewarding (it wasn't).
I can't share touching stories (I don't have any).
I can't talk about lives changed or wonderful work done or purpose revealed.

I'm supposed to, but I can't. I once had a women's group ask me to speak about my experience for their annual missions luncheon. I spoke about my 3-week trip to Kenya instead, because what would I say about my time in Bosnia and Croatia?

"The people were beautiful but heartbreaking; the children I taught were sweet and spunky."
"I was a complete and utter failure."

Brené Brown says we're supposed to speak our shame. Well, here's my biggest shame: I believed God was calling me overseas. I went. I was awful. I came home disillusioned, scared, lonely, feeling broken.

During my very first week in Bosnia, another 2-year-stinter spoke about how she prayed that God would give her brokenness. I remember thinking, "Why the hell would you pray that?" I didn't say this out loud, of course. I'm still not sure I understand that prayer...asking for brokenness. I think she meant that she wanted to get to the point where she was fully dependent on God, but I'd still never ask for brokenness. It seems naive and unfair to those who truly are broken, who would trade that brokenness in a heartbeat. I don't want to be broken. I want to be whole.

When I think back to that time of my life, it seems so ridiculous that I stepped into that airplane, headed for a position as a "relational evangelist." What the hell was I thinking? I'm not good at building relationships in my own culture with people who are like me. How in the world did I expect I would be good at it in another culture? Miracles, I suppose. I grew up on missionary stories of miracles. I expected a miracle.

But there was no miraculous transformation. I was still me, in a position that didn't suit. I needed a more explicit job, with more support. I needed a roommate who didn't despise me. I needed some defined purpose... more than "meet people." And so, after 6 months in Bosnia doing not very much other than teaching a few English words to some refugee children and helping a missionary mom with her youngest homeschooler, I transferred to Croatia to be a homeschool teacher for a couple of brand-new missionary kids. It was a job to do. It was a purpose.

I loved those kids with all my heart. And I was a good teacher...to one of them, but not to the other. Not because I was intentionally negligent, but because I didn't understand what she needed until it was too late. So I had a job, but still I failed. And I was so isolated. Often those kids were my only companionship, my only conversation. Maybe that would've been OK if I'd believed I was still serving a good purpose, but I failed at even my very small purpose.

Now, I know that there are small bright spots in this picture I'm painting very bleakly. I did love those children, and perhaps I was a kind, caring presence in their strange new world. I did learn about what it means to be a stranger in a strange land. I learned I could survive. I learned what a life of privilege I lead. My perspective shifted, widened, changed. But I didn't contribute very much.

I am grateful for what I learned, and for any small brightness I might have added in someone's life, but if I could go back and speak to that girl in her tiny Bosnian room, sobbing with fear and shame and loneliness, I would tell her, "Go home. Sometimes it's OK to quit. Don't worry about disappointing your organization (that organization is going to change their rules and repudiate you in a year anyway). Don't worry about disappointing the family and friends who supported you, or the God who called you. They will welcome you with open arms. Don't worry about disappointing yourself. You will find new life. Go home."

I wonder, now, why I did it. Why I went, why I stayed. From the age of 14, I believed God was calling me to a life overseas. I think it was because I wanted to count for something; I wanted to make a difference. I believed sharing Jesus was the most important difference.

I still believe sharing Jesus is the most important difference, though I believe it in a different sort of way. And despite my added years of wisdom (or foolishness), much of that inner desire to count for something still pulls at me. I want to make a difference. I want to share Jesus.

Only these days, I don't expect miracles. I expect to fail.

No, that's too dramatic. I don't expect to fail at everything. I expect that I will complete school and hope that I will be a good occupational therapist. I expect that I will love my family to pieces and hope that I will be a good mom/wife/daughter. I expect that I will look for ways to be compassionate and kind, and hope that I will take first steps, even when they're scary. I don't expect to fail at everything, but I do expect to fail sometimes, maybe even a lot of the time.

I wonder what my 50-year-old self would say to me now. I imagine that somewhere in the speech would be, "Don't worry so much. Failing at a task doesn't mean that you are a failure. Keep trying; give yourself a break; don't miss the joy that is to come. And may your fear of failure always be overcome by your hope for brightness."

monday musings

Vacation is exhausting, but good friends are good for the soul. It was nice to feel un-lonely for a few days, and wonderful to see the kiddoes deliriously happy with their friends. Going to Busch Gardens on one of the hottest days of the year may have been a silly choice, but hey, the lines were short!

I had a yearly physical today and discovered that I've lost 9 pounds in the last year without really trying. I hope this is a sign that I'm doing something right in the diet/activity category and not a sign that I have diabetes.

Reading Real/Whole Food blogs makes me feel a little crazy. But I still do it. And then worry that we're all gonna die young from cancer. On a related note, I'm still trying to find a good whole-grain homemade sandwich bread recipe. One that slices and holds together well, and that the kids/man will actually eat as sandwiches. We've eaten lots of good bread this year, but none that are great for sandwiches. I'm thinking I need to try better quality flour. Maybe. I don't really know. I'm not daunted by bread anymore, but it's still such a mystery.

I love reading good fluff books, but it seriously impedes my ability to get stuff done and spend time with my family. One...more...chapter....

On a related note, I have TWO WEEKS to finish everything for my summer classes! ARGH!!!

I'm afraid My Girl is going to forget everything she learned in her very expensive swim lessons because we don't have/belong-to a pool. And The Boy hasn't even started swim lessons. I haven't signed him up for anything, ever, other than childcare. And I think they've both watched 50 episodes of Finneas & Ferb this summer (in addition to other things). I'm falling short as a suburban mom.

But we're in the midst of watching Season 2 of Dowton Abbey, so I'm (very slowly) catching up on cool TV cred.

Twice this summer, when The Man was gone, I've done worship-at-home with the kiddoes (instead of worship-at-church, not in addition to). Those were the best Sundays.

There is enough time. Apparently, that's what St. Benedict said. I hope he's right. I need to believe that he's right, instead of fearing the passage of time a little more each day.

quitting

We're now 2 weeks into summer break (for the kiddoes anyway...I still have class, ugh). It started well. A week of Art Camp that both kids enjoyed. Lazy afternoons of too much TV. Evenings of grilling out and playing with neighbors.

But then we hit week 2, the week I had signed The Girl up for Girl Scout camp, and we hit a snag. Turns out The Girl hates Girl Scout camp. We signed her up thinking she would enjoy it, but no. It's hard to get a straight story from a very dramatic 7-year-old, but her angst seems to stem from a combination of strict leaders (who don't let them splash in the creek!), boredom with too little activity planned, and feeling left out and lonely in this large group.

Now, we know another girl who is at this camp who seems to love it, so there's not anything seriously wrong with the camp. I'm sure most girls love it. But My Girl doesn't.

So what do we do? We've already paid for 2 weeks. Should she stick it out and hope it gets better? There's value in learning to carry through with things even when it's hard. No doubt. I don't want to teach my kids that quitting at the first sign of difficulty is OK.

BUT, summer is short. Girl Scout camp is not necessary. Childcare is, but Art Camp will gladly take her next week.

This has been a long, hard year for My Girl. She had to carry through with 2nd grade, even though she didn't want to go almost every single day. She also had to stick with piano when she didn't want to practice and stay on the softball team when she wanted to quit. Those were good lessons - school is not an option; she loves how much piano she can play now; she ended up having a great softball year. We've taught her at least a little that you can't just quit, not always.

But sometimes you can.

I remember what it was like to stay at a camp that I didn't enjoy, even though there was nothing wrong with the camp and everyone else seemed to be loving it. It didn't get better. I hated it as much the last day as I did the first.

I remember what it was like to endure a job position that was not good for me, even though everyone around me seemed to be having a good experience. Though I learned a lot from that time, I came home with scars.

My Girl is only 7. I'd like to give her a scar-free summer.

And so we're taking the easy way out and pulling her from camp. Maybe it's the wrong decision. Maybe I'm letting my own angst get in the way of a better lesson. But for this week I'm opting for responding to her desires. This week the lesson I'm choosing is What-You-Like-Matters.

Sometimes quitting is OK. Sometimes.

a new venture

My Man and I have started a new blog together:

Do Not Hinder Them

Our intention is to write about faith practices with children, specifically faith practices within the family (rather than just the church building).

We believe that faith begins and develops more at home (much more) than at church, but there's a tendency in our culture to leave faith education up to the age-based ministries that happen in the church building. There are lots of children's ministry resources focused on putting together a dynamic program, but programs are valuable only as the beginning of a faith conversation, not the end. My kids are at church more than most, but it's still only a few hours a week (which is plenty!). What they're taught at home, either through intention or unintention (non-intention?) matters more.

Which doesn't mean that church education doesn't matter. It does. Church is important for building community, for increasing a faith story foundation, for worship, for intentional time spent with a focus on experiencing God/dess. I have lots of opinions about what I want church to look like for my children! But I'll be honest here and say that many of those opinions have to do with what I don't want church to be for my children. I don't want them to experience fear in their faith; I don't want them to worry about fitting in with a certain church culture; I don't want them to learn an us/them mentality; I don't want them to feel judged or dread going to this place where their dad works (ah, the trials of a minister's kid); I don't want them to think of church as a place for entertainment.

What, then, do I want for them? And for me. And for us.

That's what we'll be talking about over at the new blog. We'll be speaking not as experts, but as try-ers. We believe that faith at home is of primary importance, but how are we intentional about that? We believe that church programs for children should be more experiencial and intergenerational, but how do we implement that? We believe that our own spiritual lives as parents and people are important (to our kids, our community, ourselves, God/dess), but what does that look like for a working couple?

We don't have answers, just some ideas, which I'm sure will change and mold over time.

I must admit that I am nervous. More nervous than I ever was about this small personal blog. I keep thinking, "We don't really know anything. What if we get it wrong? What if we're utter failures at trying on new ideas? What if we're just a disappointment?" The blog was my idea as a different way for my husband, the children's minister, to communicate with church families about faith development. But it's also this great desire of mine to have more conversation about this topic, to have more accountability, to encourage myself to think and practice more consistently with my family.

I don't know where this new blog will lead or what it will look like, really. It will change and mold as we do, I suppose. But we'd love to have you join in conversation with us there if you'd like. Let's encourage one another!

fun finds for friday

Nothing serious today. Just some fun little things that I have enjoyed recently:

• Freezie pop molds (silicone) - I love these things! My children clamor for the cheap freezie pops that come in neon colors in long plastic tubes and are mostly water, high fructose corn syrup, food dye and fake flavoring. I understand. I loved them as a kid, too, and I don't mind my kiddoes indulging in such a treat occasionally, but I only want it to be occasionally, and since they tend to get them other places, I'd rather not have them at home. But now we can make our own with whatever ingredients we want! The molds work with just juice or more complicated smoothie recipes, and the kiddoes love them just as much as the neon kind. Makes me happy.

• Art Box - My Boy is going to a birthday party for a little girl from his class next week. I don't know this little girl or her family very well, so I wasn't sure what to get for her other than the typical Disney Barbie-type present. And while we have certainly given our share of Disney Barbies (and own a few), I just wanted to do something different. So I made this Art Box, full of kid-friendly art supplies. It's a gift I would love :), but I don't know about this little girl. Maybe she and her family will think this is a weird gift, but I figure even if they don't really use the art supplies, the stackable plastic storage box (which I found at ACMoore) would be great for organizing other things. And you can never have too many organizers! I thought about painting the little girl's name on it but decided instead to use stickers. It's not ideal, as they'll come off, but then they can easily repurpose the container if they want.

• LOTS of Wood Craft Pieces - A couple months ago we started running out of craft paper. The Horror! The kiddoes were down to using those paper pads you get for free from businesses with their logo and info across the top. While they didn't seem too worried by this, I did finally decide it was time to re-stock the supply, and the best place to get craft paper of many kinds is Discount School Supply. But DSS is the best place to get all kinds of craft items, and if you spend $80, you get free shipping, so how could I pass that up? I ask you, HOW?!? So, much to My Man's surprise, I easily spent the necessary minimum for free shipping, partly because I ordered 2 awesome boxes of wood craft bits. One box is 5 lbs of finished pieces - just a random assortment, so you don't know what you'll get, but what we got was a box full of fun! The kiddoes loved going through it and immediately started building and imagining with our assortment (spools, disks, blocks, spindles, knobs, shapes, etc.). The other box is 10 lbs of pine scraps. These need to be sanded before they're used, but they're a great base for building projects, and I can imagine using them for all kinds of imaginative craftiness. Yesterday, we started painting some of the pieces with liquid watercolor (also from DSS), and they're beautiful! The watercolor acts kind of like a stain, so you can still see the grain of the wood, but the colors are very vibrant. Some of our pieces will continue to be used for play, some for making permanent structures and gifts.

• Carport Porch - As seen in the above picture, we've started using our carport as a side porch sometimes. We have a large back patio, but it doesn't have shade, and there's no door with direct access to it (why the builders didn't put a door in the dining room, I'll never understand). The lack of a back door has bugged me since we first moved in, but it turns out that the carport is great for playing, eating, and crafting since it's large and shaded. Why did we not think of this before?? Ah well, it's turned into a lovely multipurpose space where we can enjoy being outside without being baked. Love it!

So what small things have you enjoyed recently?

'round Roanoke update

It's been more than a month since I declared:

I, Susan of Roanoke, shall attempt to experience one new Roanoke-y thing every week!

Well, I can't say I've lived up to this declaration. Partly because I got sick with a horrible cold that made me want to sleep all day (and cough all night) so I had no energy for exploring for a couple weeks. But now that the cold is gone, we have done some "Roanoke-y" things that we've really enjoyed!

We finally hiked up to Peaks of Otter (the tip-top of a mountain). We cheated - we didn't hike all the way but took the bus most of the way and only walked the last 1500 feet, but that was perfect. It was enough hiking to enjoy the wildflowers and the rocky overlooks, but not so much that we were miserable or whiny. We ate our lunch at the top, and then hiked back down. I was, however, reminded that I am somewhat scared of heights. I'm fine if I feel secure, but being near an edge where it feels like I (or my child) could fall over makes me feel nauseous. No tightrope walking for me!

Tippy-top of Peaks of Otter
You can't see all the little gnats flying around our faces!

We also enjoyed walking and biking on the Roanoke Greenway from Wasena Park to Smith park. The kiddoes loved playing on the playgrounds and the new greenway fitness equipment. We all enjoyed flinging/skipping rocks in the river, and the kids managed to ride their bikes on the trail without knocking anyone over! 

We've been blessed with some beautiful weather, and I've loved being outside with no real agenda other than enjoying the day and noticing the beauty. 

monday musings: talk, do, struggle, live

I've gone a bit quiet on the blog the last couple of weeks. I've been feeling like all of my thoughts are expressed better in writing by others, so there's no need for me to add to the Internet mix. And that's true - there's no need. But I started this blog for my own spiritual practice and for my children. Those goals haven't changed. Maybe I need to just write and not worry about whether it's meaningful enough.

So here's something I've been thinking about:

I was thinking today about the word I picked as my focus for this year - voice. It seems ironic to me right now, as I feel little motivation to have a voice, and I'm so tired of talking. Not the physical act of talking, which I don't do that much of, honestly. But the sometimes incessant chatter of my world. Classes, meetings, blog posts, news, church - there's so much noise. Much of it is good noise, good thoughts expressed, important news shared, thoughtful analysis given. But I'm tired of so much talking and thinking.

I want more doing.

I need more doing.

It's easier to talk (or in my case, it's easier to listen). It's harder to do.

Don't get me wrong...talking is an important part of doing, especially for those who are writers and speakers illuminating life, struggling with the difficult places, encouraging a new vision. Voices play a profound role in shaping our communities. Voices challenge us. Voices reveal we are not alone. Voices lift us up (or tear us down). I deeply value those who write and speak. They are often a lifeline to me, and I love that we can hear and talk to so many people. I love that we gain a broader perspective and think new thoughts because of the hard, beautiful work of writing and speaking artists. I love that we can become community by the sharing of words.

But community isn't just words.

It's easy (for me) to get caught up in the talking and the listening and stop there. I don't allow the talking to mold the choices I make...not really, or not enough. The voices may begin a work on transformation in my soul, but the transformation is incomplete when it doesn't reach to my hands and feet. I don't let the voices fully change me.

I don't let Her Voice change me.

I need the voices, and the Voice. I need to cultivate my own voice. But I also need to step away from a voice box and move my hands and feet. I need connection. I need to serve. I need to love, in physical life-giving ways which includes my voice but doesn't stop there.

And I need to recognize love and service and purpose in the daily minutiae of the life I am already living. I need to see the worth as it is, as I am. I tell My Girl every day, "God made you beautiful," which I believe wholeheartedly about her but tend to disbelieve about myself. I see the brokenness and the shortcomings and the apathy and the mistakes. I see the shadow, which is important, but I also need to see the light.

There is such a tension here:

• To recognize the light and beauty and wonder of life as it is AND
• To strive to see more light, to create more beauty, to share more wonder...to change.

Both are hard. Both are infinitely valuable. And both are worth the struggle.

thursday thoughts

A stream of consciousness for today:

• I love the spring. I love the greenness, the vibrant colors, the torrential rains. It's so alive.
• We're in the middle of softball season, which began as a season of angst and drama. My Girl is not good at becoming one with a group (wonder where she gets that from?!?). But we jumped a hurdle last week...she finally, finally, finally got to play in the pitcher position (her most coveted), and she got 3 outs in that game (which, for this mini mite league, is a lot). Since then she has been much happier, more confident. It's nice to see her smile. And she still does ballerina twirls in the dirt!
• My Boy has been clinging to me more lately. I think this past very busy semester took its toll on us all. There were some days I would hardly see the kiddoes. We survived fine, but we missed each other. I'm glad it's done.
• But now the summer semester begins. Ugh. It shouldn't be as bad as the spring, but I'm still tired. Probably because I have a cold. I'll feel better about it tomorrow.
• I love my new ice cream maker (Mother's Day present). I love that I can come home from work, and 30 minutes later I'll have wonderful, fresh ice cream ready. This does nothing for my half-hearted attempt to reduce the amount of sugar I eat (lots of diabetes in my family), but right now I just don't care! I'm less tempted to eat a huge bowl of the real stuff, anyway. A little of the wonderful richness is highly satisfying.
• We're ready for school to be done. The kids' school, that is. Particularly The Girl's. Academically, this has been a good year for her. Personally, it's been very hard. We're ready for a break.
• Both kids are obsessed with Transformers right now. I blame The Man. And the library...for carrying the old cartoons on DVD. I cannot for the life of me transform the big Transformers! Those are seriously difficult suckers to work. The Boy doesn't even ask me anymore. "I'll ask Daddy" gets said a lot.
• Now that the main piano season is done and the recital is over, The Girl plays the piano All.The.Time! When I wanted her to practice, it was an ordeal. Now that she doesn't have to, that's all she does. Sometimes I think she has a Drive.Mommy.Crazy setting, and it's almost always on.
• We're reading Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator (sequel to the Chocolate Factory) out loud with The Girl right now. I had to skip large parts of one of the chapters because of the cultural insensitivity. *sigh* I don't remember these things.
• The Man went to a great children's and youth ministry conference last week. It's good to see him passionate and excited. And it's fun to begin working on a new project with him. More on that another time.
• The Man brought home from the conference a Jesus Storybook Bible to read with the kiddoes. The Boy was skeptical...it disrupted his usual story routine at bedtime. But now that's his most favorite book! He doesn't want me to stop reading it, and he won't let me take it out of his room so we can read it with The Girl, too. It's kinda sweet. And a reminder to me not to overlook the spirituality of little kids, and the power of story.
• I started to think about trying the Couch to 5K program again. I'll get over it tomorrow.

That's all for now!

mom enough

There's been lots of chatter this week about the TIME magazine cover titled "Are You Mom Enough?" that pictures a beautiful young mother breastfeeding her three year old son as he stands on a stool. It's a weird picture and an obvious ploy to sell more magazines, though perhaps the actual article (which is supposed to look at attachment-style parenting) is good. I don't know. I'll never read it. Not because I'm opposed, but because I don't care enough about it.

The so-called "mommy wars" have never meant much to me. I know that they are real, that women and mothers do judge one another for their choices, that some mothers face a lot of criticism from other mothers, that some mothers feel they must defend their decisions while other mothers feel their decisions are the best decisions for everyone.

But I am not one of those mothers. I have never been in a position where I felt like other mothers were judging me for my mothering choices. Not other mothers in my physical presence, I mean (I could find plenty on the internet, I know). Maybe they were. Maybe they were rolling their eyes like crazy behind my back, but I can't point to a specific instance or even a general time when I felt like others were judging me "not mom enough." Now, I can remember plenty of times when I worried that my screaming, out-of-control, monster child must make me look like the worst mom in the world, but I can't remember anyone doing something to make me feel that way. No one ever said to me, "Why can't you control that child?" No one ever gave me a stink-face. No one ever gave me unsolicited advice.

Am I just blind to the judgment around me? Maybe.
Do I exude a stay-off-me vibe? Probably.
Am I ambivalent about what others think about me? Definitely not.

I regularly worry about what others think - too much - even though I'm not supposed to.

But still, no one has ever done or said anything specifically to me to make me feel like a bad mom.

I do that to myself.

Every morning when my child cries that she doesn't want to go to school because she's so lonely, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every afternoon when I should be excited to see my kids after a long day of work and school but really just want some time to myself, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every evening when my temper flares and the bedtime battles bring out the worst in me, I worry that I'm a bad mom. Every single day, I worry that I haven't built them up enough, haven't guided them gracefully enough, haven't hugged them strong enough.

I worry that I am not mom enough.

I don't need magazines or communities or mommies to tell me I'm not mom enough. I've got that one covered all by myself.

I don't have the right answers...for my own children or for others. It amazes me that some mothers seem so sure. From the moment that tiny little girl with the winking eye and the spiky brown hair was placed in my weak, trembling arms, I have been unsure. If I ever thought being a  mom would make me stronger, I was wrong. Very, very wrong. Being a mom has brought out every insecurity a hundredfold. It has brought me to my knees in fear and dismay and hope and an overwhelming love that is terrified of getting it wrong.

And I will get it wrong. I do get it wrong. A lot.

But I do not get it ALL wrong.

As I tell My Girl in her angstiest moments, "I love you with my whole heart, always, no matter what." It's not always enough, that love. It's not enough to fix the past and ensure the future. It's not enough to heal all the hurt and right all the wrong. But it is enough to heal some of it. And it is a gift I can give my children that many children don't receive.

My love, my choices, my actions will never be truly enough. I cannot be everything for them. But I can try to be the best me for them.

Am I mom enough? No, I'm not. If there is such a thing, that role belongs to Another. Another Mother who will heal all the hurts and right all the wrongs in the end. But that Mother is not me.

I am not an enough mom, but I love my kids with my whole heart, always, no matter what. And that makes me a good mom.

another perspective...

I've read a number of things in response to the passing of NC Amendment One. Critical and thoughtful things. Happy and celebratory things. Sad and angry things. Gracious and kind things. But in my opinion, this is one of the best:

Why I almost didn't vote AGAINST Amendment One, written by a seminary colleague who lives her faith more than anyone else I know. She has more than earned the right to point to our (my) blindness. Read it, please.

Amendment One is wrong. It is right that so many fought against it.

But it is not the only wrong, and too many people have no one to fight for them because we (I) turn a blind eye to them. We (I) hide in our safety zones. We (I) ignore what we don't want to see. There may be no amendment to fight against, but there are still people who need advocates, neighbors, friends.

It's easy to type out a few words and click "publish." It's not so easy to do something about the walls.

and so it goes...

Yesterday NC Amendment One passed, much to no one's surprise, but to many's great sadness. I shed some tears and said some prayers for those I know (and don't know) who are affected by this. Stating the obvious here, but the majority is not always right, and sometimes they are very, very wrong. **

Sometimes the road seems too long and the way too rocky, but a facebook friend reminded me (sometimes fb has its uses!):

"The moral arc of the universe, though it is long, bends toward justice."
 - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Though justice sometimes seems so far away (particularly when we can't even agree on what it is), sometimes it is closer than you expect, like here.

Love will win in the end. This I believe.


** I know there are good people who disagree with me about this issue. I don't doubt their goodness, but I do believe they're wrong. 

for the record...



photo by essygie, flickr


If I still lived in NC, today I would vote AGAINST Amendment One...the proposed amendment to the NC Constitution which would define marriage as between one man and one woman and would "void other types of domestic unions from carrying legal status."

Gay marriage is already illegal in NC. The amendment will just make it harder to change that in the future. But the amendment also threatens custody, abuse protection, health care, and heath care decisions for both minors and adults in families without a marriage certificate. And that's just nuts.

For the record...I support gay marriage. Not just domestic partnership...marriage. In the church. I believe a man and a man or a woman and a woman can commit themselves to each other for a lifetime family of faith, including having and raising children. I believe this not in spite of my faith, but because of my faith. I believe Jesus would dance at gay weddings and turn their water into the most fabulous wine.

This is what I believe, but even if I didn't, I hope that I would still reject Amendment One, because it is redundant, mean-spirited, dangerous (to heterosexual families, too) and does nothing to protect marriage. My marriage is not threatened by gay couples. My children's view of relationships is not threatened by gay couples. They will not become either homosexual or heterosexual because of the marriages they see. What can threaten marriage in our society is not laws allowing for it, but a society that is flippant with relationship commitment...of any kind.

I know that the Amendment is likely to pass, not because a majority of NC citizens necessarily support it but because the voting population does. I hope that I am wrong, but I am skeptical. I believe that even if it does pass, it will be overturned eventually, because that is the direction our country is headed, one slow step at a time. I suppose that is why the Amendment was proposed...to halt those steps for a time. It won't be forever...this I believe...but in the meantime, families and individuals will be needlessly hurt by this Amendment. And that just makes me sad.

'round Roanoke



photo of Roanoke from Mill Mountain by taberandrew, flickr


When my mother came to visit us over Easter, she brought with her an article from her local Oklahoma paper...about Roanoke! Seriously...an Oklahoma paper picked ROANOKE as a nice tourist destination, putting it front and center in their living section, with a big picture of Hotel Roanoke above the fold.

Once I got over my shock (I'm a little surprised that anyone in Oklahoma had even heard of Roanoke!), I decided the article made a good point - Roanoke really does have some good things to offer. I've known this, and enjoyed a number of Roanoke-y things in the past couple of years, but I think there's much more to explore. And since I've declared that we can NEVER MOVE AGAIN, it seems like a good idea to find out more about my adopted home town.

I've never before had a home town. Ever. I don't know what it means to feel a place in your blood, not really. This isn't a bad thing. It makes my perspective wider, my experience broader. But if this town is the place I'm finally going to put down roots, then I'd better work on it, because I don't know how to put down roots, and I want to embrace this place for what it is as well as what it can be.

So beginning now, I'm setting a new goal (and we know how good I am at sticking to goals...hear the sarcasm):

I, Susan of Roanoke, shall attempt to experience one new Roanoke-y thing every week!

Every week! That's too much, I know. I'll never meet that goal, but I might as well aim big! And a disclaimer:  "Roanoke-y" shall include all things in the city and county of Roanoke as well as the surrounding area...anything I can reasonably get to and from in a day.

I've already made a start on this. We went with my in-laws to the Roanoker restaurant for breakfast this weekend. Despite the fact that I pass this restaurant every.single.day, I had never before stepped into it. And this was the restaurant that the Oklahoma paper declared THE BEST place for biscuits. So goodness, we needed to try out THE BEST biscuits! (they were very good, though I wouldn't personally call them THE BEST)

For the upcoming weekend, I'm hoping to go to Blacksburg for the first time ever (I can hear the gasp of dismay from the VT folks).

Then what shall be next? If you're local and have suggestions, let me know! I'm excited (and my homebody self is a little nervous) to step up our Roanoke adventure. What shall we see 'round Roanoke? What shall we experience? Who shall we know? (and why all the "shalls"?) I'm starting as a tourist, really, but I hope that over time it'll seep into my blood and become home.

thursday thoughts

I'm in the middle of the mad dash to the end of the semester. No time for organized thoughts, just a dumping ground:

• It's almost over!!! The semester from heck, that is. Actually, it hasn't been as bad as I feared it would be, but I'm still mighty ready for it to be done. This morning The Girl told me she would be glad when I wasn't a student anymore because she doesn't get to see me much right now.  Fortunately, the rest of the schoolyear should be better as it's supposed to be all downhill from here.
• The Girl's first piano recital is tonight. I'm hoping she'll play toward the beginning and then The Boy will flip out (AFTER her pieces) so I can leave (!). Except I think The Man might wrestle me for the privilege of being the one to walk out (and we know who would win that match).
• Yesterday I tried to price what it would cost us to go to DisneyWorld. *sigh* Too much, of course. I don't know why I did that to myself.
• I'm tired of facebook making me feel like the uncool kid who never gets invited to the parties (still). Stupid facebook, I know it's not your fault, but I love/hate you.
• I read this post about sexual trafficking and just about lost my faith in God/dess (again). I do not understand how there can be such evil and suffering in the world if a good God/dess is somehow over it all. I get that in our freedom, we are free to make and do awful things. But shouldn't there be a line somewhere that can't be crossed? I still believe (partly because the alternative is worse - that there is no ultimate "love wins"), but I feel closer to the agnostics these days. I still love the message of Jesus, but it's hard to see God/dess in the daily rape and torture of young girls.
• I want a sabbatical from church. It's not gonna happen, but it sounds nice, nonetheless. I don't want a break from community. Just the opposite, in fact. I want to find community. But I also want space for some spiritual intention and searching and listening and trying, and sometimes (often) it's hard to find that (for me) in church. It may be my own issue more than the church's (I think it's a combination), but the issue is real and only seems to loom larger as time goes on. How did I get to this place? And where do I go from here?

Huh. These were kind of dark and dreary thoughts. To match the rain today, I guess. I should've titled this Thursday Thankfulness and forced myself to look for the gifts. There are many, after all.

• a whole afternoon alone with My Man for his birthday.
• a lovely wedding in which my Friend smiled a big, huge smile the entire day.
• children who are healthy and run to me even before I get out of the car.
• a home with much, much more than I need.
• extended family who love and care without strings.
• springtime. even in the rain.
• friends who understand my angst and love me anyway.
• hope for a new tomorrow.

There is goodness in the midst.

all of me?

A few days ago I saw a former minister of mine for the first time since college. I was looking forward to it. I thought it would be fun to share stories, even briefly.

So when I saw him, I asked him what he was doing, how he liked it. He told me about his kids, his town, his job. And then he asked me..."How many kids do you have?" "What does your husband do?" "What kind of minister is he?" "What kind of Baptist is he?"

And that was it. He moved on to the next person.

Kids.
My husband's job.

He never asked about me. Though he later grilled my husband about his job, he still never asked about me. It kinda stung.

I love my kids, and I love my husband. They are, without a doubt, the greatest gifts in my life. But they are not me. They contribute to the whole of me, but they are not all of me.

Now, it doesn't really matter that I didn't get to share much of myself with someone I haven't seen in 15 years and will probably never see again. It does matter, though, that I try to see all of the person in front of me, whoever that may be. It does matter that I ask, that I listen, that I see. It matters that I put the computer down, close the book, step away from the busy-ness, step over the fear.

This is a good reminder for me in these busy days of almost-but-not-yet, when it's too easy for me to bury my head. The people in front of me matter, more than my own schedule or frustration or timidity.

I matter, and so do you.

 

my easter monday miracle

I will always think of the day after Easter as the day I was given life when I expected death.

Five years ago, I was pregnant. The week before Easter I had that first pregnancy-confirmation doctor's visit where you're supposed to see the "bean" and the heartbeat. Only there wasn't a heartbeat. I wasn't too worried because I thought I was only about 6 weeks along rather than 8. The doctor, though, ordered some blood tests and we made another appointment for the day after Easter.

After lots of phone calls to the lab about lost blood and going back to the doctor to get it re-drawn, I finally talked to a nurse about my bloodwork on Maundy Thursday. Much to my shock, she told me I would almost certainly miscarry (really, I think she would've left out the "almost" except that medical professionals are taught to never be certain). She gave me instructions about calling the doctor on call (since everyone would be out for the holiday) and going to the hospital as soon as the inevitable began. She may have said, "I'm sorry," but I don't remember, though I do remember sitting on our guest bed with the embroidered sage green satiny duvet cover.

Thus commenced the longest Holy Weekend of my life as I waited for death to come.

Only it never did. And on Easter Monday at that next doctor's appointment, the bean and the heartbeat were alive and strong.

And I cried tears of joy as I choked out, "She told me I would miscarry."

The doctor was shocked. It turns out that my blood hormone levels were low, but not really low enough to say I would almost certainly miscarry. The nurse had made a mistake. Part of me was angry at her, but mostly I was just so very, very thankful for a tiny beating heartbeat. So very thankful for life ... unexpected life.

My Boy wasn't really a miracle, just a bit of a medical anomaly. But to me he will always be my Easter Monday Miracle. How much we would've missed without this beautiful heartbeat:

Godly play: palm Sunday

Hosanna! Blessed is He who comes in the name of the Lord!

I love the palms. And the praise. And the donkey. And the subversiveness of our Lord. But there is an undercurrent of both mania and tragic sadness in this story. Oddly enough, it reminds me a bit of the Hunger Games this year - cheering for the one who will die.

But I did not draw that connection for my children. I stuck to the script! Here's our very simple road to Jerusalem and our posterboard Jesus. (For a more fabulous picture of what a Palm Sunday story can look like, check out Watkins Every Flavor Bean.).

Also pictured in the top picture are our prayer pots, which now contain a heart (to remind us that God loves us always), a bean (to remind us that God helps us grow), a bandaid (to remind us that God helps us when we hurt) and a coak and palm branch (to remind us to praise God).

Below the road to Jerusalem is pictured a Holy Week family devotional guide which My Man organized for our children's ministry at church. I think it's pretty fabulous. For each day of Holy Week, there's a one-page devotion with Scripture, some kind of physical item (like a palm leaf for Palm Sunday or coins for clearing the Temple) and a question for the family to consider for that day.

In addition to the daily family devotion guide, I hope to tell the Maundy Thursday Godly play story (which includes Good Friday) and the Easter story this week. This is going to be a busy week, so I'm frankly unsure if I'll manage to get it all together, but I hope so.

May we walk in the footsteps of Jesus this week.