monday musings: talk, do, struggle, live

I've gone a bit quiet on the blog the last couple of weeks. I've been feeling like all of my thoughts are expressed better in writing by others, so there's no need for me to add to the Internet mix. And that's true - there's no need. But I started this blog for my own spiritual practice and for my children. Those goals haven't changed. Maybe I need to just write and not worry about whether it's meaningful enough.

So here's something I've been thinking about:

I was thinking today about the word I picked as my focus for this year - voice. It seems ironic to me right now, as I feel little motivation to have a voice, and I'm so tired of talking. Not the physical act of talking, which I don't do that much of, honestly. But the sometimes incessant chatter of my world. Classes, meetings, blog posts, news, church - there's so much noise. Much of it is good noise, good thoughts expressed, important news shared, thoughtful analysis given. But I'm tired of so much talking and thinking.

I want more doing.

I need more doing.

It's easier to talk (or in my case, it's easier to listen). It's harder to do.

Don't get me wrong...talking is an important part of doing, especially for those who are writers and speakers illuminating life, struggling with the difficult places, encouraging a new vision. Voices play a profound role in shaping our communities. Voices challenge us. Voices reveal we are not alone. Voices lift us up (or tear us down). I deeply value those who write and speak. They are often a lifeline to me, and I love that we can hear and talk to so many people. I love that we gain a broader perspective and think new thoughts because of the hard, beautiful work of writing and speaking artists. I love that we can become community by the sharing of words.

But community isn't just words.

It's easy (for me) to get caught up in the talking and the listening and stop there. I don't allow the talking to mold the choices I make...not really, or not enough. The voices may begin a work on transformation in my soul, but the transformation is incomplete when it doesn't reach to my hands and feet. I don't let the voices fully change me.

I don't let Her Voice change me.

I need the voices, and the Voice. I need to cultivate my own voice. But I also need to step away from a voice box and move my hands and feet. I need connection. I need to serve. I need to love, in physical life-giving ways which includes my voice but doesn't stop there.

And I need to recognize love and service and purpose in the daily minutiae of the life I am already living. I need to see the worth as it is, as I am. I tell My Girl every day, "God made you beautiful," which I believe wholeheartedly about her but tend to disbelieve about myself. I see the brokenness and the shortcomings and the apathy and the mistakes. I see the shadow, which is important, but I also need to see the light.

There is such a tension here:

• To recognize the light and beauty and wonder of life as it is AND
• To strive to see more light, to create more beauty, to share more wonder...to change.

Both are hard. Both are infinitely valuable. And both are worth the struggle.