Now I'm pretty sure that my wild and precious life isn't calling me to Paris or Prague, much as I wish it were. It's not even calling me to a domestic destination. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to stay right here right now. But that's about the only thing I'm pretty sure of. I'm not sure of much of anything except that I feel stuck. I think maybe my life is calling out to me for something else, but I just don't know what.
I was talking to a great friend last night, and she lamented that most of our conversation was about her. My response was, "Yes, but there's not much to say about my sedate suburban existence." Um, what? "Sedate suburban existence?" These are the first words I use to describe my life? That's rather drab, isn't it. And not what I fully believe. There are certainly days when I wish for more sedation. And I absolutely don't believe my life is only "existence." I know that there is much love and challenge and beauty and struggle and purpose in it. But all of that stuff isn't quite enough.
Or is it? Maybe it should be. Maybe I have enough on my plate right now without yearning for something more or different. I love my little family, and my daughter requires extra time and care in the afternoons right now, which I'm able to provide because of my stress-free part-time job. And doing all of the daily jobs that provide a healthy home for all of us takes up time. It's not like my life isn't full enough. And the last thing I want is to be a stressed-out over-scheduled basketcase. Peaceful ordinariness should not be knocked!
But still I feel a pull inside me for something more. Mostly career-related, I guess. Or lack thereof, as I have no real career. I can't even claim stay-at-home mom as my career anymore. I feel like I'm wasting time sitting at a desk (writing a blog!) for hours every day without much purpose. There is purpose in it, of course - it provides money that allows us to pay our bills. But is that enough? I know many, many people in the world would LOVE to have a stress-free job that meant bills would be paid. I know that I am blessed beyond measure in this respect. That even though we live on the edge financially, we do manage to make it through each month without relying on credit cards or wondering if there will be enough money for necessities. I know that I am blessed to have a workplace environment that is friendly and flexible. That it is a huge gift to have a job that I don't have to worry about and don't dread going to. I know that I am blessed, privileged even.
But still something in me calls out for more. But what? Should I go back to school? There's no time or money. Should I get another job? I'm not qualified for much else that is also part-time and works for our family. Should I volunteer in some other capacity? Maybe, but I have no real sense of direction. I'm stuck. Or waiting. I don't like to wait.
This life is wild and precious - I don't want to waste time.
(note: my family is absolutely not a waste of my time, but neither should my whole identity be wrapped up in them)
Was Jesus wasting time in His life before his ministry started, or was that just the time in his life when God was preparing Him and his earthly family for the next step?
ReplyDeleteI am there, too, Susan. I feel the call of something more, and I don't think that lessens the lives we have now, our love for our families, and our gratitude for what we have. God gave us a calling, and it doesn't go away. While I think all of what we do (work, caring for family) is part of that call, I think God continues to redefine both the calling and us, making us long for what is to come. I look forward to figuring that out with you. Maybe we should start our own ministry...
ReplyDeleteLaura, I don't really know what Jesus was doing before his public ministry. Certainly some study and prayer. Maybe lots of local ministry. I don't know. I'm going to assume he wasn't wasting his time :). Maybe this is a time of preparation in my life, but really I think all of life should be preparation for the next step. And preparation includes active searching and learning and doing. I don't want to whittle away my time using preparation as an excuse if, IF, there are other steps of faith I should be taking. But I also don't want to jump into something just because I'm bored or impatient.
ReplyDeleteJenny, let's do it :).
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