this small life

photo by IJammin, 2009

It's no secret to anyone who knows me, or has ever read the results of any personality test I've taken, that I struggle with insecurity.  Not in a life-debilitating, I-can't-make-a-move kind of way.  More in an I-worry-I-won't-do-the-right-thing-and-I'll-never-find-my-place-or-amount-to-much kind of way.  Now don't you worry - I recognize the faulty foundation for these feelings.  I know that my life matters.  I know that what I do is important.  I know that I am cared for.  I KNOW that I am loved, just as I am (do you hear the music?). 

But sometimes I feel kind of small.

I went to a pretty prestigious university (Go Blue Devils!).  Many of my classmates are doctors and lawyers and politicians and activists and artists and teachers.  One of the guys who lived down the hall from me is even the Canadian Ryan Seacrest (weird).  I also went to seminary.  Many of those classmates are professional ministers working in all kinds of settings.  And the classmates I envy the most?  Those are the ones who are stay-at-home moms or dads. 

But I am not any of those things.  And that is OK.  I know it is.

But sometimes I feel kind of small.

Like maybe I've squandered some of this life that was given to me with its education and middle-class American advantages.  Not all of it, but some of it.

My life is small.  I have a small family, a small home, a small job, a small community, a small blog :). 

Shouldn't I be doing something big?  Not necessarily newsworthy, but life-changing, nonetheless.  Something better, more helpful, more meaningful.  Something more worthy.

But life is not measured in worthiness.  It is measured in grace.  Time is not measured in big.  It is measured in moments.

Small is not bad.

Small is a fluttering butterfly.
Small is a bright smile.
Small is a new dance move.
Small is an unexpected gift.
Small is a full-bodied guffaw.
Small is dust dancing in the sun.
Small is a spirit lifted.
Small is a shared experience.
Small is I-see-you.
Small is a tenuous connection.
Small is a hand held.
Small is hope renewed.

Small is not bad.  Small, in fact, can be very, very good.

I'm learning to appreciate the small.  Little by little.  Small by small.