that frickin' fear monster

Last week I felt so hopeful regarding the future. The combination of a new season with a few steps toward a new education made me feel more excited about new directions than I have felt in quite a while. It was a nice feeling. For a few days. Then the fear monster started looming its ugly head.

Mostly, I feel like the financial realities have come crashing down on my head. I talked to the financial aid office, but that wasn’t very helpful. Yes, I can get loans to cover the cost of school plus the cost of living expenses (since we can’t live without my financial contribution, but I can’t work and go to school full-time and be present in any meaningful way to my family). But that’s a huge amount of money. Huge. And what if I don't like it in the end?  What if I don't want to devote the rest of my working years to this particular career that I've now spent thousands and thousands of dollars on?  What if I regret all the family time I'd be giving up?  What if, what if, what if...?  Argh!!!

And then this morning I read this TribalChurch post about how some young adults actually stay away from church because they feel they can't afford it.  Though no amount of financial burden is going to keep me away from church (my husband works for one, after all!), I can relate to the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that traditional models of life and stewardship instill in me.  And taking on a financial burden that means we'll be living on the edge of solvency for years to come (though not forever) - how do I explain that to a finance committee?  Of course, I don't actually have to explain, but in my head I have these conversations!

And so the questions and the worries and the downright take-my-breath-away fears have been rearing their ugly heads the last few days.  I don't want to make the wrong decision, but I also don't want to coast along without making a decision just because I'm afraid.  And maybe there's not a wrong decision here - just different choices.  We make choices in life, and I don't believe that those choices are always between right and wrong.  Or even good and best.  Maybe sometimes it's just between two options that are both equally good and equally difficult.  Maybe I just have to choose. 

But maybe I don't have to fully choose yet.  For now, I think I'll take a few courses at a local community college - courses that can count as either credit or pre-reqs for the programs I'm considering.  Maybe that's good enough for a while.  And that frickin' fear monster can go back to hiding under the bed.