better

Yesterday I attended my first ever fieldwork assignment. Though I'm studying to be an OTA (occupational therapy assistant), this semester's fieldwork focuses on behavioral/mental health, and the facility I am observing does not actually have OT. But it was fabulous! I'm very thankful that this is the assignment I was given. Very thankful.

The facility is called On Our Own, and it's just a house, really, that serves as a kind of community center for those in recovery for mental health and substance abuse issues. Everyone at the house, staff included, is in recovery.  Everyone ... except for my OTA partner and me. Our assignment was to hang out at this house for 5 hours ... 5 HOURS! I was nervous. Not about going to the house. I wasn't afraid, but I was nervous that 5 hours would be a really long time to fill without any particular role. Would people avoid me? Would it be bad to approach them? Would I sit in a corner like a lonely dork? Would my presence be intrusive? Would I have any words to say? Would I say the wrong thing? Would I be bored out of my skull?

Well...No. No to all those questions. Everyone at the house was kind and welcoming. We spent a little time making Valentine's cards with a few of the clients, but we spent most of the time just talking to people and joining in their peer support groups. Each group member gave their permission for us to join their group. They didn't have to, but they did. We were even allowed to speak as peers, which I did ... in both groups! Only once in both groups, but I contributed. I contributed! And I wasn't nervous about it! If you have known me for any extended period of time, you might realize how big this is for me. It's true in other settings, as well, that I am much more comfortable contributing to a small group than I used to be. I'm more likely to jump in, less likely to wait so long that my chance to speak has passed. I'm never going to be a dominator (and I don't want to be), but I feel more confident about speaking up. I am thankful.

Though sometimes I still feel silly about getting an associate's degree at my age and with my background, there are ways in which I feel much more able to approach this work now than I would've ten years ago. As our behavioral health professor said, a large part of being able to be a therapist, any kind of therapist, is being confident in who you are. Ten years ago, I wasn't very confident in myself. Today, I still feel like a big bundle of conflicting, questioning nerves sometimes, but I know myself better. I'm more accepting of what I can and can't do, more aware of good qualities and less focused on negative ones. Now, don't get me wrong. I still feel like I've got a long way to go. But I'm better.

And better is good.

I think maybe that's what life is (hopefully): A journey of small steps (sometimes forward, sometimes backward) in becoming better. Better mom; better wife; better friend; better worker, better advocate; better giver; better supporter; better helper. Becoming better.

That, surely, is what the clients at the behavioral health center are doing. In whatever stage they're at, they're working on becoming better. And let me tell you ... they've got kindness down. At least in the safety of that secure, confidential, supportive space, they are wonderful at modeling kindness. They speak to us, the stranger. They welcome us, the stranger. They open up their lives to us, the stranger. They offer us, the stranger, a seat. How often have I stood in a church building wishing someone would say something, anything, to me? Even just a Hi?

Those who have experienced great unkindness are sometimes the ones who show the greatest kindness.

I am honored to be on a journey of better with the wonderful people at On Our Own. I am better today for meeting them.