hope

photo © 2008 Sharan Ranjit (via: Wylio)For many churches celebrating Advent, this is the week of Hope.  At least I think it is.  My church isn't doing the traditional Hope, Peace, Joy, Love order this year, so I could be wrong - maybe Hope is next week?  But regardless, I'm thinking of hope this week!  It was only a few weeks ago that I was all optimistic about hope (here).  But now I'm feeling less so.  I'm worried about some decisions that are important decisions, but I feel no clear sense of direction.  No particular hope for any decision.  It all seems so blurry.  Not exactly hopeLESS, but not hopeFULL either.

Today, I'm remembering what it was like 7 years ago when my heart was bursting with hope during this week of Advent, and I just wanted it to go away.  Because sometimes it seems too hard to hope.  When that hope gets dashed enough, it can lead to despair. 

But I'm also remembering 7 years ago when I prayed that God would take away my hope because I just couldn't handle it anymore.  It was only 2 weeks later that I found out my hope was realized.  That it had actually been realized during that hope week of Advent; I just hadn't known it yet.  In case you haven't guessed - that's when I found out I was pregnant with My Girl.

Hope is a 2-edged thing, I think.  Necessary for a bright and beautiful life, but also exhausting and sometimes heart-breaking.  I have hope.  Really, I do.  Hope for the world and my family and myself.  But sometimes that hope gets beaten down.  Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to live without it.  To just go about my day-to-day life without any desire or anticipation for the future.  Then I could be pleasantly surprised when things turn out unexpectedly well without being crushed by disappointment when they don't.

But that's a little selfish, isn't it?  I do need to be better about living in the moment, loving today without worrying about the future.  But hope is what keeps us pushing for a better world - for everyone.  Without hope, why would we fight for lost causes?  Or love the unlovable?  Or work for a better tomorrow?  Why would we wake up at all?  Hope is important.  Hope is life-giving.  Hope is also freakin' hard.

So today I will struggle to hold onto hope.  A bright and beautiful hope that spurs me onward and upward, even when I'd just like to stay in bed.  A bright and beautiful hope that trusts, even weakly, that there is a bright and beautiful tomorrow for all of us.