a bright christmas?

photo © 2008 Grzegorz Łobiński | more info (via: Wylio)
Merry Christmas Eve!  Or it should be merry, right?Christmas is supposed to be full of good things.  Family, food, gifts, music, beauty.  So why can't I shake this sense of sadness?  Oh, I know why I'm sad.  Some who were supposed to be with us for Christmas won't be here after all.  And we are sad about that.  As we should be, because their absence leaves a hole, and that hole can't be filled by gifts or food or any amount of fun.

But there must have been a hole in that first Christmas, too.  Mary and Joseph were in a town far from home, away from family and friends, sharing a stable with some animals.  And Mary went into labor.  How frightening would that have been?!  A young teenager having her first baby without her mom or her sister or her aunt or any familiar face other than this new husband who must have been wondering about this baby that was not his.  Was Joseph able to find a mid-wife to help her?  Or was she alone except for this frightened young boy and some noisy animals?  Either way, there was a big hole in her life here.  Her community should have been there with her to share in such a monumental journey.  But they weren't.  And that special baby wasn't waiting for the perfect Christmas to make his appearance.

But despite the less-than-ideal circumstances, that first Christmas must have been beautiful.  Because at the end of the day, Mary was holding a baby boy in her arms.  After all the fear and pain and loneliness, beauty broke in.  The hole in her circumstances didn't swallow the joy.

And the hole in our circumstance doesn't swallow the joy, either.  It doesn't swallow the brightness in my children's eyes or the thankfulness we feel to be with far-away family.  It doesn't swallow the blessing of being together.  And it doesn't swallow the reason we even have this holiday - God With Us.

So for all of us who are missing someone this holiday, or who are struggling with circumstances beyond our control, or who are not sure what control we should be exerting on our circumstances, I wish us a bright Christmas even when it's not always merry.  I wish you a day of beauty in the midst of any sadness or fear.  Today I will try to remember Mary, who must've been missing her family terribly but was also overwhelmed with joy.  For the Light of the World was with her, and is with us.

a letter to the universe

Dear Universe,

Four years ago when I was planning to go back to school, you pointed me toward a doctor who found a hole in my heart.  While I'm extremely grateful, it did eliminate my ability to go to school.

This weekend, when I was wondering whether or go back to school, my son ended up in the ER and we discovered a humongous tree in our backyard that might fall on houses and power-lines and must be removed.  While I'm extremely grateful no one has been seriously hurt, it has eliminated my ability to go to school. 

Next time I'm thinking of going back to school, could you help me win the lottery (even though I don't play it) instead?  Then I'll never consider school again.  I promise.

Sincerely,
Me

some artsy/crafty stuff

We're almost done with Christmas shopping/making.  Almost.  Whew!  I'll tell myself I should start earlier next year, but it's unlikely to happen.  I know it.  We're excited about some of the things we've made for the kiddoes.  Hopefully, they'll be excited too!

I have managed to get a few personal projects done.  There are multiple online tutorials for each of these things.  I just kind of mish-mashed the tutorials to make it work for me.  They're not perfect, by any means, but they're functional and bright, which is what I wanted. 

Here's a plastic bag holder.  My goal is to move toward using re-usable bags (and I'm in the process of making some - did you see that there's high lead content in many of the store-bought ones?), but I have an awful time remembering to take the re-usable bags into the store (or into the car!).  And let's face it, it's easier to let the bagger do his job with the bags he's used to using.  So we still end up with a lot of the plastic ones.  But at least we can recycle them, and this hanger on the door reminds us to do that!

And here's a wall pocket I made to put school/church papers in.  You know, those papers with info that needs to be dealt with, but maybe not immediately.  We were just piling them on the counter, and then I'd forget about them.  So this way, there's a place for them out of the way but within sight.  I used a cereal box to make it sort of stiff - gotta love upcycling!

And here's a similar wall-pocket, but for a cell phone.  It (belatedly) occurred to me that our phones are often in pockets or on shelves out of the reach of Our Girl.  And we don't have a land-line phone.  So if there were an emergency, she might not be able to get to a phone or know where one was.  Thus - phone pocket!  Now I try to stick my phone there as soon as I walk in the door.  And the little pocket next to the phone has a list of phone numbers for her (so she doesn't have to find them in the contact list - phones are way more complicated than they used to be!).  I had her practice using both of our cell phones and the phone number list so we're relatively confident she could make a call in an emergency.

The Girl has also been busy in art class at school.  They post some of their artwork online, which I love.  Here are a couple of her latest masterpieces:



And The Boy made a gingerbread house at preschool.  Well, I think My Man did most of the work, but The Boy did plenty of tasting!

Pictures of our Christmas craftinees will wait until after Christmas.  I'm so excited!  

vulnerability and fear

photo © 2007 Seth de l'Isle (via: Wylio)
I watched this today:  TEDxHouston - Brené Brown.

Brene Brown talks about being vulnerable and believing that we are all worthy of love and belonging, even (and especially) in our imperfection.  I can't summarize it well (it's worth watching on your own), but she explains how in her research she found that it was the people who were willing to be vulnerable who were also the most content and joyful. 

Which kinda sucks.

Because I don't really want to be vulnerable.  Not really, truly vulnerable. 

I want Security.  Knowing.  Constancy. 

But I also want Community, Connection, Love.  And there's the rub.  Those relational things, those most-important things, aren't gotten without vulnerability.  Sucks.  Oh, I know what you're thinking - it's beautiful and wonderful that God made us this way, but wouldn't it be so much EASIER if we didn't have to be vulnerable?  I know, I know, Jesus didn't come to us for an easy life.  Just a full one.  A better one.  A bright one. 

I think I'm a little better at being vulnerable than I used to be.  I'm more likely to speak up for myself, to admit my faults, to be open about my beliefs.  The other day I even admitted out loud (to a completely shocked church member) that I am a liberal (*gasp*), and it didn't worry me at all.  I know this is no big deal to lots of you, but to me, it's huge.  Because growing up in and around church, and relying on churches for our paychecks, has made me very nervous in church.  I know it's not supposed to be that way.  And I know it's as much my own insecurity as it is any real danger in the church.  But I have seen and heard too many stories of church gone bad.  And it makes me afraid.  Or it has.  I'm a little less afraid these days.  A little.  But still, I am afraid. 

Not just about church, but about all kinds of things.  I read this blog post (Fear Not, by Kimberlee Conway Ireton) a couple weeks ago and thought - yep, that's me - always afraid.  I'm afraid that I seem like a dork to other people.  I'm afraid the food I buy will give us cancer.  I'm afraid of issuing invitations and being rejected.  I'm afraid that I can never think of the right words to say (not out loud, anyway).  I'm afraid that I am not a good friend and that making friends is so freakin' hard for me.  I'm afraid that my heart miracle was my one "get out of jail" card and the next time (soon) I'll be hit by a truck or die of some horrible disease.  I'm afraid that something tragic will happen to my husband or kids.  I'm afraid that we'll never have money for retirement and will saddle our kids with all kinds of debt because we can't help them with school.  I'm afraid I'll pass on my insecurity to my kids.  I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision about what the next step should be.  I'm afraid I'll never have a church home that really feels like home.  I'm afraid my husband will get fired because he's braver than me.  I'm afraid I'll waste my life being afraid.

What a waste, right?  Fear Not - that's apparently the most often repeated command in Scripture.  Who knew?  Not me.  But it's one I need to hear over and over and over. 

So during this Advent season, when we remember the Angels who say over and over "Fear Not," I will try to be a little more vulnerable, and a little less afraid. 

for my children: a statement of faith

A few years ago, I had unexpected heart surgery (written about here).  Though the surgery was not very dangerous as far as heart procedures go, I was still scared.  I thought I would be OK, but I wasn't sure.  At the time, My Girl was almost 2.  I wasn't afraid to die, but I was afraid to miss out on life and leave behind those I loved, especially her.  So I wrote her a letter, and left it in my dresser, hoping that someone would find it if I died.  I don't remember exactly what was in the letter, but it was pretty short.  Because when it came right down to it, I didn't know how to word all the hopes and desires and faith and love in my heart. 

Now fast-forward a few years to this week.  I was checking out a blog (Momastery) that a friend recommended to me, and I found the blogger's statement of faith.  And with tears running down my face, I thought, "That's it!  That's what I'd say about my faith if I were a real writer and had the right words to say it.  That's what I want my children to know."  It doesn't describe my individual love of them, personally, of course, but it expresses so much of what I believe about God and Jesus and community and life and love.  So here, I'm going to quote it all, because someday in the future I want my children to know...

This, THIS is what I believe is important.  This is what I hope to live by, though I fail more than I succeed.  This is what I hope I will have many conversations with you about, but in case I don't, here it is in the words of Momastery blogger Glennon:

I believe that Jesus was and is God’s son, and that every word He said is The Truth, and that He lives and loves and breathes life into the hopeless.

I don’t believe that there is another human being on Earth who is more or less worthy of His love than I.

My commitment to Jesus and His way of life does not compel me to try to convert other people. Ever. I assume that others’ spiritual experiences are every bit as real and sacred to them as mine is to me. If I seem different to someone and that someone asks me why, I tell her all about my Jesus, without agenda or motives. If not, I just assume I’m not being different enough to cause a stir. And I continue to stay as close to Him as possible, knowing that He is the Alchemist, and that everyday He’s making me more golden.

I love my Jesus.

My love for Jesus means that every day I open myself up to becoming more gentle and generous and truthful and compassionate. Because I love Jesus I allow myself to be constantly used up…trying never to hoard the money or time or energy for tomorrow that is needed today. My love for Jesus means that I try to see Him in every person I encounter…even, especially, the people I don’t like. My love for Jesus means that while I look forward to a heavenly afterlife, I concern myself mainly with inviting heaven to Earth now, by loving like Jesus loved- recklessly, without reservation, without judgment. My love for and utter trust in Jesus compels me to attempt a life without guilt or pride or fear. He gives me the courage to live out what I profess to believe…that it is always right to turn the other cheek, to avoid gossip, to tell the truth, to side with the poor, oppressed, and outcast, to give till it hurts, and to live like the only power worth having is the power that comes from service, vulnerability, and dependence on Him.

My husband and I want to live like Jesus did more than we want anything else. Not because we are good people, but because we are thrill seekers. We want to suck every drop out of life and live lives of adventure. We don’t want to fall into the pattern of settling for small dreams, like more and bigger and better stuff. We want to live out bigger dreams… life changing, world changing dreams. We want to live on the edge, to witness miracles, to align ourselves with the energy of the universe. Judging from our past experiences, we feel most alive when we live Jesus’ way. And Jesus’ way is the reckless, senseless, revolutionary love that tends to make people uncomfortable. Jesus’ way is siding with the powerless, always. Jesus’ way is subversive and countercultural and counterintuitive. And this sort of thing suits us. We fancy ourselves rebels with a cause, if you will. So we try to keep everything liquid…our hearts, our plans, our money, our opinions, even some of our beliefs …and we listen for his guidance. We pray for the patience to stay when he says stay and the courage to jump when he says jump. We prefer jumping to staying, so we notice He makes us practice staying a whole lot. And we hear from Him all the time. We feel his peace and love like mighty arms wrapped around us and we experience his guidance like lighthouse beams through stormy skies. We know what He wants from us always. And we trust Him completely.

And when we hear Christians concerning themselves publicly about anything other than poverty and disease and hunger and oppression and violence - we turn away. Because really, who has the time?

We are also committed to knowing everything we can about other spiritual practices and religions. We read about Buddha and the Koran and the Bhagavad-Gita [note from me: I don't actually do this because I'm too lazy, but I respect those who do!] and we are comforted to see the same truths repeated again and again throughout every great religion. We find, like we always do when we look closer, that we are all more similar than we are different. We don’t allow extremists from any faith to scare us away from that truth. We teach yoga and meditation to our children as spiritual practices. We think there are some things that Eastern religions do better than mainstream Christianity, like helping their followers find stillness and the connection between the mind, body, and spirit. So we go to them for guidance and help in areas we find lacking in our spiritual experience. We believe that the whole world is God’s and everything in it and that there is beauty to experience everywhere. We teach our children that we respect and learn about all religions, and we explain to them why we choose to worship only Jesus. We tell them that Jesus is our religion. No denomination- just Jesus. We teach and show them how Grace changes everything. We pray, every night, that they and Jesus find each other, but we explain that whatever path they choos, they are to respect and seek to understand those on other paths. And to assume that their spiritual experiences are likely every bit as real as ours. We hope that this commitment to educating our children about different faiths will result in their faith decisions being based on knowledge and freedom.

And because how can you possibly know and understand what something is if you don’t know what it isn’t?

And now I’ll hit the biggies, so hold on to your little hat (or Yamaka or habit or hijab or what have you).

1. No, we don't believe that everyone who doesn't believe in Jesus is going to hell, and we don't allow anyone to even sort of suggest that to our children. If you do believe that, we love you just the same.

2. Yes, we believe that a church should not only tolerate but embrace every person who seeks refuge there…every race, background, or sexual orientation - without trying to change them. Based on our reading and research, this is what we believe Jesus would have done. We realize that there are parts of the New Testament that suggest otherwise. We have studied these scriptures. We have read them in several translations, researched different denominations interpretations, and sought insight from wise teachers. In the end we have decided to accept that there are inconsistencies in the human translations and understanding of these passages rather than accept that there are inconsistencies in our God’s perfect love. And we have decided that Jesus’ ultimate teaching was that there is no law that supersedes the law of love.

3. Thirdly, we believe that God can speak to us on our couch in our pajamas as clearly as He can speak to a group of ministers at a convention. So we read the Bible together… we’ve read every word of the Bible. Even those realllllly long painful lists in the Old Testament. We read the Bible every day. We don’t accept secondhand information about our friends and we won’t accept it about our God. We always go to the source. And when making decisions about what scripture means we seek counsel, and then we pray, and we listen. Then we decide for ourselves what God is saying to us through the Bible. Just me and my husband, Jesus, and His Word. No other mediator is invited. We must work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. And when we don’t understand a mystery of God, we say “We don’t know,” rather than accept someone else’s interpretation. I actually wish all people of faith would say “I don’t know” more.

It took us seven years and five moves to find a church that teaches the same things about Jesus’ divinity and acceptance and boundless love that we teach our children. We had to leave churches we’d settled into, people we called family, students I taught in Sunday school, families we’d grown with and cried with and loved. But when faced with teachings that didn’t match our understanding of Jesus, we had to keep moving.

Because we couldn’t shake the belief that where you worship makes a statement, to the world and to your children, about who you worship.

I find that every time I keep myself open to hearing from someone else about their relationship with God, especially if it’s very different than mine, I learn something new and important. It’s almost like God designed things that way.

So anyway, that’s all. I just wanted to answer your questions…I’m a yoga loving, Koran quoting, Ghandi following, church hopping, child of Jesus.

And I vote for whichever guy or gal seems the type to take the underdog in a fight. Regardless of what faith or party he or she professes.

hope

photo © 2008 Sharan Ranjit (via: Wylio)For many churches celebrating Advent, this is the week of Hope.  At least I think it is.  My church isn't doing the traditional Hope, Peace, Joy, Love order this year, so I could be wrong - maybe Hope is next week?  But regardless, I'm thinking of hope this week!  It was only a few weeks ago that I was all optimistic about hope (here).  But now I'm feeling less so.  I'm worried about some decisions that are important decisions, but I feel no clear sense of direction.  No particular hope for any decision.  It all seems so blurry.  Not exactly hopeLESS, but not hopeFULL either.

Today, I'm remembering what it was like 7 years ago when my heart was bursting with hope during this week of Advent, and I just wanted it to go away.  Because sometimes it seems too hard to hope.  When that hope gets dashed enough, it can lead to despair. 

But I'm also remembering 7 years ago when I prayed that God would take away my hope because I just couldn't handle it anymore.  It was only 2 weeks later that I found out my hope was realized.  That it had actually been realized during that hope week of Advent; I just hadn't known it yet.  In case you haven't guessed - that's when I found out I was pregnant with My Girl.

Hope is a 2-edged thing, I think.  Necessary for a bright and beautiful life, but also exhausting and sometimes heart-breaking.  I have hope.  Really, I do.  Hope for the world and my family and myself.  But sometimes that hope gets beaten down.  Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to live without it.  To just go about my day-to-day life without any desire or anticipation for the future.  Then I could be pleasantly surprised when things turn out unexpectedly well without being crushed by disappointment when they don't.

But that's a little selfish, isn't it?  I do need to be better about living in the moment, loving today without worrying about the future.  But hope is what keeps us pushing for a better world - for everyone.  Without hope, why would we fight for lost causes?  Or love the unlovable?  Or work for a better tomorrow?  Why would we wake up at all?  Hope is important.  Hope is life-giving.  Hope is also freakin' hard.

So today I will struggle to hold onto hope.  A bright and beautiful hope that spurs me onward and upward, even when I'd just like to stay in bed.  A bright and beautiful hope that trusts, even weakly, that there is a bright and beautiful tomorrow for all of us.

facebook round-up

In reverse chronological order:

• Second- (and third- and fourth- and fifth-) guessing my decision to enroll in spring classes.
• Me: "Do you know the most important thing about Christmas? Celebrating Jesus." C: "Do you know the most fun thing about Christmas? Opening presents!" Hard to dispute that.
• Just saw that I can buy a "peanut butter and jelly spreader" for $9.00. Because it's too difficult to use a knife?
• Reading historical fiction makes me very, very thankful that I live now.
• would like to call a do-over on this day, and it's only 8:30.
• Listening to an interview with John Dominic Crossan this morning. Sometimes I love being alone in the office!
• I forgot to bring coffee to work. Now I have to drink the office stuff. Blech!
• I love how J catches his breath every time there's a crash on CARS, even though he's seen it a gazillion times.
• Just had someone tell me that I'm intimidating. In all seriousness. I'm rolling with laughter on the inside.
• When I was about 11, I remember lying awake at night terrified that I hadn't said "the sinner's prayer" the right way when I was 8. So I said it again, trembling with fear, just to be sure I wouldn't be sent to hell. What sad burdens we can place on our children, and ourselves.
• I have now registered for classes for the first time in years. Wondering if I've lost my mind.
• We had a fun weekend full of family and CARS celebrating our 3-year-old!
• Remembering 3 years ago today. Happy Birthday, My Beautiful Boy!
• Nana is coming! Nana is coming! Nana is coming TODAY!
• J is turning into an adamant backstreet driver: "Go, Mom, the light is green!" "Yes, but there's a car in front of me. I can't run over it." "Go, Mom!" I'm sure he's wishing we'd do a Lightning McQueen maneuver. Sometimes I wish we could, too.
• I am ready for Brian to be home, though I'm thankful for his rejuvenating time away. We're doing fine, but our home just runs more smoothly and feels more homey with him in it.
• finished making a birthday gift for Jeffrey with 4 days to spare! Now on to the Christmas presents...
• J: "Strawberry Shortcake and Lemon Meringue just went splash." Me: "Oh, are they swimming?" J: "No, they're dead."
• Made in our house today: waffles, muffins, soft pretzels, grilled cheese sandwiches, pasta. Lots of carbs today - lots of yummy, yummy carbs. It has, indeed, been a good day (and not just because of the food!).
• I woke up to waffles already-made and pumpkin muffins being made. And the dishwasher loaded and running. Today is gonna be a good, good day!
• Look at the curls! I thought we'd never see them again, but they came back!



• The recycling is threatening to take over the laundry room. But now it will be a big ordeal to get it into the car. *sigh* Procrastination rears its ugly head.
• loves the way J hugs my neck when he wants me to stay with him.

And a couple of article posts:

• God Loves Jay Bakker from NY Magazine
• Did Anne Frank Go to Hell? by Rachel Held Evans
• Going Dutch: Women in the Netherlands work less, have lesser titles and a big gender pay gap, and they love it from Slate.com

advent preparations

The Season of Advent has begun.  We're trying to do some intentional Advent-y things in our home.  Attempts to help us remember the "reason for the season" (I've always hated that silly saying, but it does fit) in the midst of the hustle and bustle that threatens to take over.  Most of our Christmas shopping is done, though we do have a few handmade items we're still working on.  So maybe, just maybe, this holiday season can be one of joyful anticipation.  One of hope rather than dismay.  Peace rather than frenzy.  And love...most of all, love.

Much of our Advent Prep began with a Get Ready for Advent Party last weekend at church, organized by My Hubby, who put together some wonderful ideas for celebrating Advent in the home.  Here are some of our continued preparations from this weekend:

The Girl and I worked on ornaments for our Jesse Tree (an Advent tree that helps us tell the biblical story of faith, one character at a time, day by day through Advent).  We'll tell our daily Jesse Tree story and hang an ornament each evening.

Here's the Tree:

Can you tell which kid colored which part :)?

And here's our Advent chain (pink and purple - The Girl loves it!).  We pull off a link each morning and try to do what it says sometime during the day.  For instance, today's link said, "Write your family love notes and put them under their pillows."

These are our advent candles.  Yes, we have two sets.  One is a felt set given to The Girl last year.  The other is just a set of votives (four purple, one pink) on a piece of felt.  Maybe next year we'll have an actual wreath!  We light the week's Advent candle(s) during each meal we eat at home.

And here's what The Boy was doing during our Advent prep - playing with cars, of course!

Notice the jail on the desk in the background.  That's The Girl's handiwork, and the sign on it says "Sherriff's Jaille."  The cars are always getting sent to jail for something.  It's a crazy crew they have there in Radiator Springs!

Finally, some Christmas decorations.  We thought about progressively decorating the tree throughout Advent but decided that was too complicated, and really, we have enough Advent activities with a tree, a chain, candles, and an Advent calendar (which I haven't pictured) - sheesh!  Maybe we went a little overboard?

Our over-stuffed tree:

And some wall-art The Girl and I made.  We had some big pictures of daisy-like flowers hanging here, but it seemed out of place with the holiday decor, so we made this simple art with paper, tinfoil, and glue.  The proportions aren't quite right for the wall (and the picture is bad - sorry!), but I was working with what we already had on hand.  It still makes me happy.

See that train?  The Boy's eyes just lit up when we brought that out.  He loves to ring its bell, but wishes we could play with it on the floor!

Those are some of our Advent Preparations.  Simple, but helpful for us as a family.  Helpful for me.  I need to be reminded that Christ is Coming, Christ is Coming!  And that He brings hope, peace, joy and love, progressively diminishing the darkness with His light.  Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus, Come.

thankfulness in pictures

We completed the Drumstick Dash!  Well, sort of.  We took a shortcut that cut off less than 1K, but if you count the distance we walked from the parking garage to the race (which I do!), we walked at least 5K.  About a mile in, The Girl started whining about how her legs hurt, but we made it, we made it!

If you look very closely, you'll see the finish line in the top left corner.  It was a bottleneck to get through it.  11,500 people were there!

We had a quiet, yummy, lovely Thanksgiving with my in-laws.  The kids watched more TV in that one day than they sometimes watch in a week, so they were happy!

Can't you see their happiness ;) ?!  They were doing their best to avoid the camera.

Here they are pulling the wishbone.  The Boy won, and oh, the drama!  Who'd've thunk that losing the wishbone would cause such lamenting?  I should've thunk.  All of life is dramatic with The Girl!

But The Boy is proud!

And I am proud of each member of my family.  Wonderful people, all of them.  They are my greatest thankfulness.

a not-so-martha thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is tomorrow!  And we don't have to travel!  This is an added bonus of moving to the town where my in-laws live.  No mad crowds to fight at the airport or on the road.  Just the crowd at the Drumstick Dash (5K in downtown Roanoke to benefit the Rescue Mission).  This is our first attempt at the Dash, though I think it'll be more of an amble than a dash.  We're walking, of course, with stroller.  But only one stroller, which means The Girl must walk the whole way by herself.  How likely is it we'll make it?  I think the odds are pretty even. 

Normally, my Thanksgiving preparations involve packing and little else.  This year there's a dish to prepare, but just one.  I don't typically decorate for the season.  Heck, I don't do much decorating for any season.  My Man does most of that.  I look at blogs full of all kinds of beautiful ideas for transforming one's home into this magical wonderland of seasonal beauty, and I love it.  I really do.  I would love to have my house look like that.  But when it comes down to it, I don't have the time/money/patience to deal with it.  Not for something that will be packed in a box or thrown in the trash in a few weeks and will just get in the way when it's up.  Bah humbug, I know. 

Still, I like the idea of seasonal touches.  My mother-in-law gave us a set of fall tablecloths and napkins this year.  They're really lovely, but I must admit they spend more time on a shelf or the floor or a chair than actually on the table.  Our dining table is used for everything, so they're always being moved out of the way.  I am not one who is constantly putting stuff back in its place.  I wish I were, sort of, but the thought of it just makes me tired.  So the lovely decor sits on the floor.  *sigh* 

But for some reason, I got it into my head the other day to make some turkeys for our table.  I made placecards - placecards!!  That is so not me.  But I had this empty wrapping paper tube and it was begging to be used, I guess.  We also had this pumpkin left over from Halloween that we never got around to carving.  My kids had no jack-o-lantern this year.  See - not very Martha Stewart-y of me.  We thought maybe we'd carve a turkey into it for November.  But November is almost gone and still no carving.  Really, what's wrong with us?!  So yesterday, The Girl and I transformed our pumpkin into a much easier turkey.  And she's just as happy with our thrown-together-with-tape version.  So for a brief moment, our dining room looks a little festive!  I had to take a picture, but don't be fooled - this is not what our table usually looks like!

Can you tell in my dark, grainy picture that The Girl decorated the turkey's body?  It says, "I love turkey," with a few stars and a heart.  She decorates EVERYTHING!  I've had to threaten to take away the markers.  Seriously.  Her last decoration was on the panel by the toilet.  In pen.  At least it's a heart and not a peace sign.  She's started coloring in the peace signs for me (hence the colored-in-heart above) because I hate them.  Truly, I hate them.  And it's ridiculous.  I remember being taught as a young teen that they were a sign of the devil (upside down cross with arms broken), and though I recognize the craziness of this now, I've still been imprinted with a hatred of the peace sign.  *sigh*

But I digress.  The one month-long Thanksgiving decoration we've had is a Thanksgiving chain.  We each add one link to the chain every day (or thereabouts), writing one thing we're thankful for on it.  The kids have loved seeing it grow and grow.  It started out on a wall (in our dining room of course - the center of our home), but now drapes over to the doorway. 

So that's the Thanksgiving spirit in our home.  What about yours?  I hope you have a wonderful day with loved ones tomorrow.  As my daughter has taken to saying, "Peace!"

sweet singing

There's been some serious singing in our home recently.  The Boy has been making up his own songs (mostly about Cars) and performing them animatedly.  The songs are typically along the lines of "Mater drives backwards; Mater drives backwards; Mater is the best backwards-DRIVERRRRRR!" with lots of loud, long emphasis on the last word.  Then he'll tell us, "Sing the one about Mack."  And there is no "one" about Mack, so we just make it up, too.  It's good medicine for a weary or too-serious soul!

And here's The Girl singing along with The Bieber's "Somebody to Love:"

Here's wishing you a heart full of song in this week when we count our blessings.



a first step (in a complicated process)

photo © 2006 Till Krech | more info (via: Wylio)I registered for 2 classes this week.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Excited?  Relieved?  Overwhelmed?  Worried?  Hopeful?  All of the above?

Surprisingly, I don't feel any particular strong emotion about this.  I'm relieved, I guess, that the first step toward another degree is taken.  But I'm so ambivalent about it.  I'm a little worried about balancing the classes with work and family, but not too worried (yet).  I'm a little worried that this will end up being a waste of time and money (because the long-term process of getting a degree still seems so overwhelming and beyond us), but I'm pretty convinced it's worth the one-semester risk for now.  I'm not worried about being able to hack the student thing again, but I am worried that I'll be bored out of my scull in a 3-hour-class anatomy class. 

I wish there were a master plan clearly laid out for me.  I wish it were obvious.  Not easy, necessarily, but obvious.  It's the doubt and wondering that bug me.  Is this step right?  Is this step wrong?  Or is it somewhere in between?   I'm not typically a black-or-white kinda person.  I'm more comfortable allowing for greyness in life, but sometimes I wish I were more black-and-white. 

A few weeks ago on Grey's Anatomy (which I've stopped watching, but I caught this one episode), the Christina character is looking at a bride's magazine and telling the therapist character that she wishes she could be simple like the brides in the pictures.  She wishes she could be less complicated.  I get that.  I wish I could be less complicated, sometimes.  Less wishy-washy.  More sure.

But I'm not.  And on balance, maybe that's best.  After all, the grand master plan of my teenage years has been all shot to heck.  I'm not exactly where I thought I would be.  And that's OK; good even.  We just can't know exactly what's in store for us, so it's good to hold plans loosely.  But it's also good to have plans and work toward them.  So I'm looking for that balance in the middle where I can be excited about possibilities and work toward good goals without grasping them so tightly that I am overwhelmed by disappointment when those possibilities don't work out exactly like I'd expect.  And I don't want to worry so much about the future that I miss out on present blessings.

It's a balancing act, as is much of life.  Right now, I'm not very excited.  But maybe the excitement will come later.  In the meantime, I believe it is right to take this step.  I don't think I'd call it a step of faith.  A step of hope, maybe.  I don't know where it will lead.  And that's OK.  Remind me of that in a few months when I'm in classroom purgatory!

little man with a plan...

the birthday boy!

My Beautiful Boy turned 3 this weekend!  We decided not to do a big bash for his birthday.  After all, he doesn't care at this point, and The Girl's bash a few months ago wore me out!  My tentative plan is to alternate birthday parties - one year for The Girl, the next year for The Boy, and so on.  The Girl is not a fan of this plan. 

But despite a lack of bashiness, The Boy's birthday was still a whole lotta fun.  The biggest blessing of the weekend - Nana was able to travel from Oklahoma to join us!   And Grams and Paw-paw, of course (they're local - also a blessing).  So there was much love and excitement for the new 3-year-old.

Some pictures:

The Birthday Boy is his new Birthday Crown (similar to the one I made for The Girl, minus the flowers and girly colors)



Sissy with her shiny fingernails in honor of the day:

The Cars cake (made by Daddy):

A High-Five after a successful blow-out!

The Girl waiting not-so-patiently but oh-so-cutely:

Yummy chocolate cake (which Daddy had to make the morning of the birthday because The Boy changed his mind about the kind of cake he wanted!  Luckily, he told Nana.  Otherwise, he would have been disappointed by a strawberry cake.):



He was pretty subdued for the present-opening.  He's not a wrapping-ripper, so The Girl happily helped: 

When he opened Sissy's present, she said, "Now your dreams will come true!"  Because he'd been asking for a Mater for weeks, and that's what she got him.  I think she was almost more excited than he was!

It was a very Cars-oriented birthday.

The one hand-made gift - a car carrier:

And the one decoration (next year there will be more - promise!):



It may have been a low-key birthday, but it was a good one.  And the Cars (plus some legos) hilarity continues.  "Play cars with me; play cars with me" is the refrain we here constantly right now.  Such joy over such small things.

son of a preacher man*

A couple days ago I read this article in NY Magazine: "God Loves Jay Bakker: and Jay Bakker wants you to know that he loves you too."  It's basically a synopsis of Jay Bakker's (son of Jim and Tammy Faye) life and faith journey to this point.  And it's fascinating.  And heart-breaking.  And hopeful.  And haunting.

Haunting - that's the word.  I have been haunted by this article.  The story of Jay's upbringing in the midst of the heyday and then crash of his parent's empire, The PTL Club and Heritage USA, is tragic in many ways.  But that's not what haunts me.  Instead, I am haunted by his boldness and determination to keep on keepin' on.  By his willingness to try something new, even when he's persecuted for it.  By his honesty in declaring what he thinks without claiming answers.  Even when such declaration means losing financial support (and health insurance - I have a great fear of living without health insurance).

I am not so bold.  Not even close.  I struggle with words, constantly questioning myself.  What should I say?  How should I say it?  Is it going to make someone mad?  Is it going to get me and my loved ones in trouble?  Does it really matter if I, insignificant as I am, speak up?  While I believe it is important to consider what words we use, I lean towards the Not Saying Anything At All camp.  And that's just a cop-out. 

And even more importantly - what about my actions?  What have I ever really risked?  Sometimes it feels like a big risk that we moved to Roanoke, taking a big pay cut in order to move to a place we felt called to.  Sometimes it feels like too much of a risk, when I feel a sense of panic every time I look at our checking account.  When I get the news that health insurance is going up yet again while benefits are going down and salaries remain stagnant.  When I buy into the conventional wisdom that we need to build savings, but there's nothing to save.  When I gave up staying at home with my kids in order to pay the bills.  Sometimes it feels like too much.

But really, what have I risked?  We still have jobs.  We still have health insurance.  We still pay the bills.  We still have time together as a family.  We still have every last thing that we need.  And if the financial worst were to happen - if we were to lose our jobs and were unable to pay the bills - it wouldn't be the end of the world.  We could always move in with our families - I think they would let us.  It would be awful, yes, but totally survivable.  More than survivable.  It would never take away the love we have in our lives.

So really, I have risked practically nothing.  And that seems wrong, doesn't it?  Shouldn't there be some risk in a life-affirming faith?  Faith in a God-Man who himself risked everything.  Maybe I don't need to risk my life (thankfully, my timid soul) or even my livelihood.  But I think I do need to risk more of my Self.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."  But I'm not even sure what that is.  Ooh, that sounds kind of arrogant, doesn't it, like "I think I can do anything!"  That's not what I mean, of course :).  I mean, I'm not sure what it is I should be doing that I think I can't do.  I'm not even sure that I should be thinking of it that way.  I'm just not sure about much right now, huh? 

A quote from the article: (from the author, not Jay Bakker) "Maybe the opposite of faith isn’t doubt. Maybe the opposite of faith is certainty, a comforting belief in your own rightness."  I guess in that case I've got plenty of faith because I've got almost no certainty.  Lots and lots of questions, but very little certainty.  Live with it, grasshopper, live with it.

I found this on Jay Bakker's Twitter feed:  "The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself, in spite of being unacceptable." ~ Paul Tillich.  Hmmm, maybe I should give myself a break.  Or maybe I should believe enough in my own God-given value that I take some sort of step of faith.  Or maybe I should just wait.  Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.  *sigh* 

Maybe I'll have more responses to my questions next time.  Maybe ;).

*Son of a Preacher Man is the title of Jay Bakker's memoir.

thursday thankfulness

Some bits of thankfulness for today:

• Nana (my mom) is flying in tonight!!!  My parents live in Oklahoma, so any chance to see them is cause for a big celebration.
• My Boy is turning 3 on Saturday!  He's such a beautiful, fun-loving and funny kid.  Definitely a bright blessing I am thankful for every day.
• Pandora Radio.  I know I'm late on the bandwagon here, but I've recently started listening to pandora at work, and I love it!  My stations for today: Indigo Girls and Jason Mraz.  Pandora lifts my spirits when I threaten to descend into head-banging boredom.
• Blogs.  Not my own (though I guess I am thankful for that, too), but others' creative, thoughtful, challenging, funny posts.  They are a lifeline for me sometimes.  They connect me to a wider world, challenge me to create beauty, give me hope, educate.  And sometimes they intimidate me.  But on the whole, I am thankful for the words and ideas that are shared on the blogosphere.
• My sewing machine, which was a gift from Mom a few years ago, but only started using regularly this year.  For the first time, I have a place to keep it out on a table (in the laundry room), and it's been fun to discover the joy (and $#%@ frustration!) of creating simple things with it.
• Time away for my husband.  Rejuvenating time that will hopefully carry through into the regular rhythm of life and work.  But now I'm also thankful he's home!

the perfect gift

Christmas is stressing me out already.  And we've still got J's birthday and Thanksgiving in November!  The irony is I'm trying to approach Christmas in the Advent Conspiracy way - Worship Fully, Spend Less, Give More, Love All.  It's supposed to decrease the stress of overly busy schedules and consumeristic buying tendencies.  We're supposed to enter into Advent with a calmer, more centered, focused spirit, letting go of crazy cultural norms.  Waiting for the birth of Christ.  That is, after all, what Christmas is supposed to be about. 

I think we do pretty well at some of this.  We don't spend lots and lots of money on gifts.  We try to give meaningful (rather than expensive) gifts.  We try to spend time together as a family.  But even with our best intentions, it's a stressful season for me.  It's a wonderful season that I love.  But it would almost be easier to give in to the pressure to buy, buy, buy.  It's easier to buy a sweater or a tablecloth or a tie or a bright and shiny plastic play set than it is to come up with a truly individual gift for each person on our list (even though our list isn't that big - our family is small compared to some).  And it's a whole lot easier than spending the time and effort to hand-make gifts. 

But I believe in the idea of the Advent Conspiracy.  I believe that rampant, thoughtless giving is counter to the spirit of the season.  I believe that handmade gifts are special - and that thoughtfully bought gifts are, too.  I believe it's important for our kids to have the fun of asking for something they choose on their own (even when what they choose makes me cringe - Squinkies?!), but I also believe overwhelming them with stuff (even if they've asked for all of it) is unnecessary and sometimes even harmful.  I believe, most of all, that it's important to remember and celebrate the gift of God With Us. 

So even though the idea of finding/making a special gift for each person stresses me out, I'm willing to make the effort.  Yesterday, I was in a Sunday School class that was discussing this, and one of the women said, "Well, not everyone gets the special gift every year."  And I thought - well, duh, why didn't I think of that?  That takes some of the needless pressure off.  It doesn't have to be amazing for each person each year.  Hopefully as the years pass it will even out. 

In the meantime, it is fun to troll the internet looking for handmade gift ideas that I might be able to pull off.  And it's fun to have that handmade item in my hand (one for the kids was finished last night - woohoo!).  And when handmade isn't a good option, and let's face it, there's no way I'm going to handmake for everyone (what do you handmake for a grandfather, anyway?), then it's fun to look at sites like Etsy or online fair trade retailers - sites where spending money supports small crafters rather than nameless corporations.  Now, I'm sure I will buy gifts and materials from places like Wal-mart, but it's good to know that some of our money is going to support individuals more directly. 

So maybe, just maybe, I can let go of some of that stress and remember that giving the perfect gift isn't that important.  Giving love, enjoying our time together, leaning a little more toward God - that's what's important.  So breathe, Susan.  Just breathe.  And say a little prayer.

dance party fabulousness!

We're a big fan of dance parties at our house.  At least a couple times a week.  The new twist on the fabulousness - DARK dance parties!  With strobe flashlight, of course.  If you know me at all, you know I'm not a dancer.  I have no coordination, no sense of rhythm, no musicality.  I feel like a dork when I dance, and we all know inhibited dancers are no fun.  But with just my little family, I can be a dork to my heart's content, and they still love me!  And I can sit on the floor and laugh and laugh at the kiddoes antics.  Oh my, they're funny ones!  Such a simple thing brings such joy.  Some photos of last night's fabulousness:

 Notice our flashlight is a pig!  At least it no longer says, "Oink, oink, oioioink" every time we turn it on.

These are pictures of the fabulousness before it all went south.  The boy came up behind the girl and got hit in the eye by her flailing antics.  For a moment, we were concerned there was something truly wrong with his eye.  He was so sad and pitiful, and ended up just sitting in my lap with a washcloth on his eye for a good 15 minutes.  Though I would never ever wish any kind of pain on my kids, I must admit that it was really nice to have him just sit with me for so long.  That never happens anymore.  But he's still my baby!