a new year

Hello, 2012! And hello blog...it's been a while. Life got crazy busy there for a while with school and work and home and holidays. And it's about to get even crazier as this spring semester is supposed to be the hardest of my program. But I have one more week before that crazy hits, so let me take a moment to consider this new year.

Ann Voskamp said recently "The New Year wears hope like a fragrance." I've been taken with that image this week. Hope like a fragrance. Here are some of my fragrant hopes for this year:

• Date more! A plan is in place for this. We're going to trade babysitting each month with some sweet friends so we should get at least 6 away-from-home dates this year! And I've made a list of stay-at-home date ideas, too. I made us our own Can of Dates for creative dating. I'm hoping we can have a little more fun, experience a little more joy together this year.
• Socialize more. Not sure how this one will happen, but I hope to get together with people more often this year. To cultivate community.
• Rise early more. Specifically: get up at 5:30 (or earlier) at least 5 days a week. Crazy, I know, but it makes me feel more ready for the day if I get up early enough to do a little workout, pray a little prayer book, and get lunches ready without the stress of rush, rush, rush.
• Write more. Not necessarily on the blog, though maybe. I also want to be more disciplined about writing in my one-sentence-a-day (or thereabouts) journal for each kid, and I've started a spiritual art journal for myself. Writing is a hard discipline for me (particularly when you add necessary school writing to the mix), but I want to do it.
• Pray more. See hope #2, but also with my children. I've started praying more with The Girl about specific concerns she has (she's had a hard time socially this year...I wish she weren't so much my child in this way), and it seems to genuinely help her. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but prayer is one of those things I feel very unsure about. But I'd like to work on my spirituality this year...not just reading others' spiritual words and reflections and analysis...but cultivating my own.
• Manage time more. I'm not naturally a scheduler or a list-maker, but I'm finding it more necessary these days. Particularly when my school schedule hits (which will basically put me away from home for full-time hours in addition to time needed for schoolwork), I'll need to be very disciplined about balancing home maintenance time, family time and homework time.
• Speak more. This will probably be the hardest one for me. I do not speak out loud easily...either in print or in person. I weigh my words very carefully, and then often don't say them. So I want to cultivate my voice. To be bolder, more honest, more kind, more challenging, more real, more intentional.

These are my fragrant hopes: I think of them as a light spicy scent, invigorating and centering.

what might've been...

Last week, The Girl and I drove past the new library that's not quite open on our side of town, and she asked me something about being a librarian. I don't even remember what it was, but it got me thinking and remembering.

About 5 years ago, I thought about going back to school to get a Masters in Library Science. I had picked out the school, talked to the dean of the program, even checked out a GRE guide from the library. I really thought this was going to be my new career.  Then, suddenly I ended up in the hospital having heart surgery. And there went my new career.

A little over a year later, I had my second baby while my first was starting occupational therapy. It's a good thing I wasn't going to school, too.

And now, here I am embarking on another new career - occupational therapy, which I never really considered the first time around, as I had only a vague idea of what it was about and had no idea of their work with kids.

I don't have a puppet-strings view of God or the cosmos. I don't think God makes us go one way or the other, or brings down disease or distress in order to fulfill some kind of Will. But I do think God uses bad and difficult things when they happen to bring about good and beautiful things. That's not a very deep theology, but it's one I hold onto, sometimes fitfully.  And today I am thankful for unexpected heart surgery and derailed education plans and a special needs child because they all brought me here to this place.

What might've been could've been good. But what is is also lovely.

thursday thankfulness

It's that time of year again - the gloom and doom season of the church cycle. I don't know why it always surprises me. I should be prepared. We've done this before. It's church budget time.

Every year around this time, I am confronted with the worry that there won't be a job for My Man next year. Maybe there will. Probably there will. But maybe there won't. And usually this brings on a burst of worry and anger, particularly as inevitably the cost of insurance will go up and pay will not. I don't really blame anyone for this. It is what it is. I just wish people would talk about it more openly. But...

This year I'm not as angsty! Maybe I'm growing up after all. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? If he loses his job and we can't sell our house (which would be probable), we could be added to the foreclosure statistics and move back in with my in-laws. Not ideal, maybe. But not life-threatening. That's SOOOO much better than most people in the world have it. We will not be homeless. We will not starve. We have resources beyond a lot of people's dreams. We are RICH.

But sometimes it's difficult to remember this fact. Our 1000 Gifts list hangs in our kitchen but rarely gets written on anymore. In fact, it's The Girl who forces us to write things occasionally. Things like "I learned to ride a bike" and "I get to play the piano in church" and "a nice breeze." In some ways, she is the most angst-ridden of us all. But she is also the most likely to see blessings and know joy. So in the spirit of My Girl, who notices the brightness, here's some of the goodness of today:

• Family who love and support us wholeheartedly, giving to us much more than we give to them.
• Medical insurance. Expensive though it may be, we have it!
• Food in the freezer and refrigerator and pantry.
• Credit cards (I know...Dave Ramsey would be appalled).
• A warm, cozy home with a great yard, for however long we're blessed with it.
• Pandora for me, the musically inept - just let it do the work for me!
• People who love and laugh.
• Changing leaves and weather.
• Wheels.
• A husband who cooks and makes costumes!
• Curls that grow back.
• Bright smiles and numerous hugs.
• The internet.
• Learning with a purpose and just for fun.
• Friendship.
• Jobs with people we like.
• Stories of beauty and goodness and hope (like this one).
• Kindness.

We are rich.  Oh, yes we are!  May we never forget.

a big week

This past week was a big one for My Girl. First, she pulled out a tooth in gym class and came home with a goofy gappy grin! I wish I'd had a camera as she came off the bus. Her wide, silly smile was priceless.

Then she scored a goal in her soccer game! Now, it was one of about 10 goals (her team was definitely dominating this week), but it was still a goal. And I missed it. Again! I missed her first ever goal because I was stuck at a meeting. I missed this second one because I was on the playground with The Boy, who can't handle sitting through a soccer game, especially when there's a playground within sight. So, alas, no picture of the triumph, but still very exciting.

The biggest news of all: She learned to ride a bike!!! I really was beginning to think this day would never come. She's always been extra-scared about anything that makes her feel unsteady, but I was afraid that this time we'd met our match and weren't going to be able to coach her through it. Finally, I bribed her. Yes, yes I did. I told her I'd give her $10.00 if she learned. Then it took her two days. Should've tried that last year! But actually, since the spring I've been having her "scoot" across our carport on her bike - just scooting with her feet on the ground, not putting her feet on the pedals. I think this did make a difference. It helped her feel comfortable on the bike. Helped her feel like if she started to fall, she could put her foot down and stop the bike from crashing (before she would just try to hop off it completely). The extra feeling of control meant that when I finally let go of the bike as she was riding it for real, she didn't freak out, or even initally notice. I'm so proud! Proud of us both :).



And finally, her second grade performance was this week. She was one of 8 kids with short speaking parts, and she was the only one who didn't read hers, I think, and she said it with bright enthusiasm. During the songs, she danced and did motions with great spirit. And when her class read the story of "The Tortoise and the Hare" on tape, she was the one who read with the most expression. And her picture of her scene was also one of the best:

So I know I'm being an annoying, braggy mom. But I really am proud of My Girl. Proud of her accomplishments in the face of fear. Proud of her artistic and dramatic talent. Proud of her undaunted spirit despite the challenges she faces. We drive each other crazy sometimes, but I am so very thankful that God gave her to our family.

one year, three months

One year and three months. That's how much longer I will keep my current job (probably). One year and three months!  I'll still have another 5 months after that until graduation, but in one year and three months I'll start a full-time internship so I won't be able to work another job. If I ignore the fact that that internship will be unpaid and I'm not sure how we'll pay the bills that semester (must not hyperventilate!), I'm so psyched! 

Oh, I know I'll miss the relaxed office and friendly commeraderie. I'll miss being able to plan my grocery list and write on a blog and do homework - all while "working." (yes, I know I used quotation marks incorrectly). But I won't miss feeling like the resident heretic. I won't miss hearing faith conversations around me that make me want to scream. I won't miss knowing that as much as I like you office guys, you would exclude me from some of your church activities based on my gender and my beliefs.

Of course, I feel like that at my own church - not that I would be excluded but that I'm a resident heretic. At least, I would be if they knew. Mostly I keep my mouth shut, and when I do argue or challenge some book-writer, it's not generally about controversial stuff. The one time I questioned the exclusive nature of our traditional evangelical interpretation of John 14:6 (and let's face it, I really didn't say much other than, "we forget to look at the context"), I got jumped on. So mostly I stay quiet, which is pretty easy for me as I'm a naturally quiet person. I'm not a wave-maker. I'm a go-with-the-flow-er.

But that can be very lonely. And cowardly. And not always what I want to teach my children. I believe in tact and kindness and loving those who are different than me. But I also believe in honesty, and sometimes waves should be made to advance the tide.

Maybe in one year and three months I'll be braver. Actually, make that one year and eight months, when hopefully I'll have a paying job. Maybe I'll have more courage. Maybe. But probably not.

biologically determined?

I told my husband that my goal for school this go-round was passing, not perfection. That's a crock of $#*@.

I wish it were true. Really I do. But I seem to be biologically (environmentally?) incapable of letting things slide when it comes to school. I don't have this problem in other areas of my life (witness my house), but for some reason school brings out the perfectionist in me.

Which is freakin' frustrating.

If I had the kind of time I had at Duke, then sure, no problem. Strive for perfection, fine. That GPA isn't ultimately very important, but if you're capable of nerdiness, then why not use it? But this go-round, I do not have the same kind of time. I begin my day's work at 6 in the morning and often don't stop until 10 in the evening. Now, by "work" I include things like cooking and cleaning and monitoring homework and a few minutes of actual playing with kiddoes (not just paid work and school), so I don't mean for it to sound like my life is a weary grind of work-work. The pace is full but manageable. But it is full. There's not much extra time during the week. So sometimes it would be helpful if I could be satisfied with less-than-best schoolwork.

But I can't! I don't seem to know how. Is it because school was the one thing I was always good at? In most other areas of life, I was mediocre. Sports, art, music, leadership, etc. I was generally OK at things, but rarely very good at them. Except for school. Maybe I derived too much self-esteem from my grades. But now? Really? I'm STILL there? Must I really still be the class nerd?

And unfortunately, I see these tendencies in my daughter.  My daughter who used to write with such free-spiritedness. My girl who could not write her spelling words in a straight line last year and wrote the largest letters in the class is now suddenly obsessed with perfect handwriting. Oh, the tears and drama over the cursive handwriting sheet! And I missed the drama when she realized she missed 2 on her reading test and only made a 90 (daddy got that one)!

*sigh* I wish I could teach her to not worry so much. I wish I could teach myself. And to a certain extent, I have. I don't worry about grades so much, but I still must do my best. I just hope it doesn't take My Girl so long to get past the worry. But the apple doesn't fall far...

time enough

It's been a while since I've written (well, other than that post that some of you may have caught that I went back and deleted, though I saved it for my kids - sometimes its best to calm down before hitting the publish button).

Life is busy. Sometimes it feels too busy, but I don't think it is, not really. It just requires a lot more planning and intentionality right now. And it requires more juggling with My Man, who has been wonderful at taking over a bunch of the kid responsibilities while I'm out of the house more. I know there will be days when the tension radiates up my back and I fight the urge to scream because there's TOO MUCH TO DO! But I think those days will be rare, as long as I remind myself of what is truly important. Some things that are NOT important:

• a clean house.
• organic, natural food all of the time.
• making straight A's.
• providing the perfect enrichment activities for my children every day.
• a savings account.
• regular blog entries.

And some things that are:

• telling my family every day that I love them and appreciate them just as they are.
• noticing the beauty around me, even in an A & P lab.
• taking a deep breath when my children are driving me crazy and reminding myself that this day with them is a gift, a gift that some other moms don't have.
• reading stories over and over and over again, without skipping lines.
• doing schoolwork a little bit at a time, and being satisfied with enough.
• sleep.
• talking to friends, even if it's just on the phone.
• spending time with my husband.
• hugging my children.
• playing, playing, playing.
• pausing to help someone in need.

Sometimes it feels like there's not enough time, but there is. There is time to do and grow and be. There is time to rest and hope and trust. There is time to love, and to be loved. I do not want to rush from one moment to the next without noticing the now. I do not want to wait for a mythical future when all the pieces will be in place. I want to cherish today without worrying so much about tomorrow.

My prayer for today: Help us to see as You see, love as You love, do as You would do. Amen.