overwhelmed, but...

I am officially overwhelmed. Classes have now kicked into full gear, and I'm wondering how it will all get done on time, particularly since I am no spring chicken and cannot work past 10:00 p.m. Yesterday there was a student mixer (how is it that I am involved in "mixers" again??) with the 1st and 2nd year OTA students (my program), and the 2nd year students kept lamenting about how much harder the first year gets, though the 2nd year is supposed to be better! Um...not helpful. Thanks.

BUT...I am pleasantly surprised at how much I like the program I've chosen. I picked it because I was interested in it, but also just because I needed to become certified in something that would give me better job prospects, and I had to choose something I could study locally. There actually aren't very many OTA programs, so I'm fortunate that one of them is in Roanoke, because so far, my occupational therapy classes make me excited that I chose this path. Though I am unable to see how school and job and family are all going to play out, I am genuinely excited about becoming an occupational therapist.

It's gonna be a rough 2 years, but also a hopeful 2 years. I am thankful.

thursday thankfulness

• Mom is here! To watch The Boy during this first week of school because his school doesn't start until after Labor Day.
• My Girl loves, loves, LOVES her second grade teacher, even if she was initially disappointed that she didn't get "the man teacher" because, as she says, "I've had woman teachers my whole life!"
• My own classes seem manageable...so far. The real workload hits next week so maybe I'll be singing a different tune then, but for now, I'm feeling OK about the juggling for this semester.
• Facebook has a "hide" feature, which I may have to use liberally during the election season.
• My Boy's shaggy hair that curls when he gets hot.
• Food in the freezer.
• A flexible workplace.
• Some cooler weather.
• Beginning a new adventure outside of the church.
• A textbook that I actually find interesting.
• Living in a home, not a dorm.
• Being a "mature" (not old) student.
• A Man who does the laundry.
• Kids who run to me when I walk in the door.

I am blessed.

beginnings

Today My Girl and I start our new school year! The Girl woke up with a smile on her face and a spring in her step, ready and excited to start second grade.

I woke up with a headache and worry, feeling not-at-all ready or excited to start this 2-year marathon. Perhaps I should take some lessons from My Girl!

I'm hoping that by the end of the week, I'll feel better about what's coming. I believe this is the right place for me to be, but sometimes the right place is not the easy place.

But I am not alone in this place.



Here's to a new beginning...

thursday thankfulness

I find it difficult to read the news. I've been listening to NPR less and less. The incompetence, the tragedy, the stupidity, the despair, the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness - they overwhelm me.

My own incompetence and stupidity and despair and hopelessness - they overwhelm me, too.

And where is God in this? In the world? In me? I guess you could say I've been having a crisis of faith. I can tell you when it started, too - right in the middle of Lent. I suppose that's appropriate, except that Easter never came.

And yet, and yet...

Ann Voskamp says we should see the problem of good as well as the problem of evil. "If there is no God, why is there so much good?" (Augustine)

I am attuned to the problem of evil, but what about the problem of good? I don't notice it enough. Ironic, isn't it, that I named this blog "Bright Life" when I so often struggle to see the brightness. But I know that it's there. I know it. And I believe it will overcome the darkness. I choose to believe it. And I choose to name it. So here goes.

Some Thursday Thankfulness:

• Majestic mountains that remind me to look up and around.
• A small boy who puts his hand on my face.
• A big boy who comes home with a smile on his face.
• A girl who forgives.
• Kids who play and play and play together.
• A boy who is serious about his dancing.
• Knobby, multi-colored tomatoes.
• An unexpected breeze.
• A new kitchen toy.
• A family that enjoys being together.
• A girl who hugs with abandon.
• A small kitchen.
• Hope for tomorrow (and today).
• People, many people, who work to help the least of these.
• Education opportunity.
• Supportive husband.
• Huge hibiscus flower.
• White puffy clouds.
• Safety net.
• A movie that makes me laugh and cry.
• True love - not the kind that waits, but the kind that is ever-present.

making plans

I feel like I've entered a holding pattern. A couple weeks ago, I was gung-ho about making plans - for the family, for the kids, for the fall. Now I've just stopped. Because I'm waiting.

Waiting for the mad rush to hit. And hit it will - next week! School orientation - MY orientation - starts on Tuesday. And then the madness will truly begin.

So I'm holding onto the somewhat still moments right now. Somewhat, because I've still been spending lots of time in the kitchen, but that time of experimenting and planning for stream-lined whole foods production is in itself a kind of stillness. Even in the kitchen I am quiet and waiting and bracing myself for the onslaught of a new adventure.

Fortunately for me, the kiddoes have been playing amazingly well together. Oh, there are clashes, of course. But for long periods of time they travel into their own world of cars and fairies and birthdays and stories, needing very little intervention from me. Sometimes I start to feel guilty about my lack of activity-planning for them, but then I see how much fun they are having on their own! And I am thankful for it.

In these dog days of August, I feel like I've entered the last day of vacation. That day when I really want to relish in the fleeting moment but instead find myself bracing for departure.

In my head, I believe it's important for me to look ahead and make plans for our family. I believe it's important partly because if I don't make plans, I know the days are going to pass in a whirlwind of class and work and schoolwork and home-work, and those fleeting, all-important times of community and togetherness may get lost in the shuffle. I don't want that.

But I also don't know how to plan right now. I don't know how difficult balancing it all will be. Maybe I truly won't have time for any extras without losing my sanity. Maybe rest is the only thing I should plan. Or maybe I need to get out our calendar and start making plans.

Maybe. I don't know. And so I wait.

food

photo by rick, flickr

I've been thinking a lot about food lately.  Not surprising.  I always think about food a lot. 

But recently I've also been worrying a lot about food.  Not in an I-can't-eat-that-it'll-make-me-fat worrying way.  I don't diet.  Never have.  And not because I'm naturally thin.  I have never been thin and have hated my body just as most women do.  But I've tried dieting a few times, and those trials tend to last maybe 24 hours.  Maybe.  I just don't have the discipline.  Or the desire to be that disciplined.  And I like food!

My worry these days is a direct result of watching Food, Inc. a year or so ago and then reading about food production and distribution and politics in the US.  I want to provide the best for my family while also being a faithful steward of the earth.  I want my faith and my food to align.  And so I believe the food we eat should be made locally when possible, should involve as few chemicals and preservatives as possible, should involve humane treatment of animals and farmers, and should be primarily nutritious (not junk).  That is what I believe.  However, this is one case where it is very difficult (for me) to align my belief with my action.

Buying local and organic can be expensive.  Not always.  Our CSA gives us lots of quality veges for a similar-to-grocery-store price, and the peach/apple farm store near us has some great prices on certain produce.  But meat, flour, milk and dairy products - these are often at least twice as much as their conventional grocery counterpart.

And our budget is only getting tighter, not wider.

But even beyond the price issue, buying local and organic and unprocessed means more time in the kitchen.  A good bit more time.  I love CSA days because it's fun to find out what beautiful fresh veges I get to play with in the coming week, but I do not love all the time it takes to clean and prep them.  Buying a bag of frozen chopped spinach is much easier than doing the washing, cooking and chopping oneself.  And bread (which go through in droves - no low-carbing in our household!) is certainly much quicker from a shrinkwrapped package than from our oven. 

Simple living is not so simple.

Right now I'm holding a somewhat middle ground.  I already spend time and money on things that some families would find silly:

• I make yogurt (it's not as hard as it sounds).
• I make ricotta cheese (also, not very hard, and heavenly to eat, but requires cheesecloth which is awful to clean).
• I bake at least a couple loaves of bread a week plus other quick breads and yeasty things (like pizza dough).
• We make our own granola and granola bars (so much better than the store-bought stuff).
• We buy local dairy milk for the kiddoes.
• We eat some local meat (particularly sausage).
• I make most dinner meals from scratch.

And I'm even contemplating attempting recipes for tortillas, pita bread, graham crackers and cheese crackers!  But I also do a lot of other things that true locavores and natural foodies would find appalling:

• I use Splenda in my non-fair-trade coffee.
• I buy bananas regularly.
• I drink regular Kroger milk and buy regular Kroger cheese.
• I fix hot dogs (though I do typically buy the kosher kind).
• I sometimes use margarine (*gasp*).
• I don't buy organic flour or oats.
• I buy Kroger peanut butter.
• I buy regular eggs.
• And many, many more.

Oh my, I start to feel guilty just looking at this list. 

As I approach a chaotic new school year when my time in the kitchen is going to be more limited (or require more sacrifice), where do I draw the lines for our eating?  Where do I align my belief with action, and where do I let practicality (need to pay bills, need to spend time with family, need to sleep) win out?

I hope that I will at least be able to keep up the "already do" list, despite the time.  Then maybe I can tackle one small "want to do" item at a time.  But I'm pretty sure we'll never completely commit to all natural and local foods.  Heck, my family might riot! 

So we'll live with our food somewhere in the middle, and I'll try to be faithful in food decisions without being frantic.  Sometimes I'll use whole, organic foods.  And sometimes I'll just buy the disgusting chicken nuggets!

gearing up



photo by ralphbijker, flickr.com


Since returning from our annual beach vacation with my parents, I found it more difficult than usual to get back into the swing of daily life (including blogging!).  There's more than one reason for this, but one of those reasons is: OH MY WORD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I CAN'T BE A STUDENT AGAIN! 

I've passed the initial excitement phase and am fully in the trembling fear phase.  OK, so maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration.  Little bit. 

I feel too old to be starting over, too broke to be taking on such debt, too busy to commit so much time.  I don't fear the academics so much as I fear the amount of time I'll have to invest in it.  I was no good at all-nighters even when I was 20.  How will I manage it all and still be a positive presence in my family?  I don't know.  I just don't know. 

But I know that the long-term goal is valuable.  I know that ultimately this step is about giving our family more flexibility, not less.  And so I know I've got to walk into that classroom, fear or no fear.  And I've got to be a better scheduler! 

I've been slowly working my way back into post-vacation home-management.  And I'm slowly trying to plan for a workable schedule that still allows me time with my family and for the activities I believe are important.  I'm usually a bit of a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal, particularly when it comes to a daily schedule.  That's going to have to change some.  But I know I'll never be able to fully plan for the life I'm about to step into, so hopefully that fly-by-pants nature will allow me to bend rather than break during these next 2 years.  Hopefully.