this wild and precious life?

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today, The Blue Room Blog, by Mary McKibben Dana.  Today's post is about her upcoming Paris/Prague trip (jealous!), but it was her closing line that grabbed me: "And is there an adventure (far-flung or close to home) that your wild and precious life is calling you to?" 

Now I'm pretty sure that my wild and precious life isn't calling me to Paris or Prague, much as I wish it were.  It's not even calling me to a domestic destination.  I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to stay right here right now.  But that's about the only thing I'm pretty sure of.  I'm not sure of much of anything except that I feel stuck.  I think maybe my life is calling out to me for something else, but I just don't know what. 

I was talking to a great friend last night, and she lamented that most of our conversation was about her.  My response was, "Yes, but there's not much to say about my sedate suburban existence."  Um, what?  "Sedate suburban existence?"  These are the first words I use to describe my life?  That's rather drab, isn't it.  And not what I fully believe.  There are certainly days when I wish for more sedation.  And I absolutely don't believe my life is only "existence."  I know that there is much love and challenge and beauty and struggle and purpose in it.  But all of that stuff isn't quite enough.

Or is it?  Maybe it should be.  Maybe I have enough on my plate right now without yearning for something more or different.  I love my little family, and my daughter requires extra time and care in the afternoons right now, which I'm able to provide because of my stress-free part-time job.  And doing all of the daily jobs that provide a healthy home for all of us takes up time.  It's not like my life isn't full enough.  And the last thing I want is to be a stressed-out over-scheduled basketcase.  Peaceful ordinariness should not be knocked!

But still I feel a pull inside me for something more.   Mostly career-related, I guess.  Or lack thereof, as I have no real career.  I can't even claim stay-at-home mom as my career anymore.  I feel like I'm wasting time sitting at a desk (writing a blog!) for hours every day without much purpose.  There is purpose in it, of course - it provides money that allows us to pay our bills.  But is that enough?  I know many, many people in the world would LOVE to have a stress-free job that meant bills would be paid.  I know that I am blessed beyond measure in this respect.  That even though we live on the edge financially, we do manage to make it through each month without relying on credit cards or wondering if there will be enough money for necessities.  I know that I am blessed to have a workplace environment that is friendly and flexible.  That it is a huge gift to have a job that I don't have to worry about and don't dread going to.  I know that I am blessed, privileged even. 

But still something in me calls out for more.  But what?  Should I go back to school?  There's no time or money.  Should I get another job?  I'm not qualified for much else that is also part-time and works for our family.  Should I volunteer in some other capacity?  Maybe, but I have no real sense of direction.  I'm stuck.  Or waiting.  I don't like to wait. 

This life is wild and precious - I don't want to waste time. 

(note:  my family is absolutely not a waste of my time, but neither should my whole identity be wrapped up in them)

Oklahoma!

The kiddoes and I went to Oklahoma to visit my parents for a few days.  A couple people have asked me, "Did you drive?"  Hah!!  No way!  It's hard enough to fly.  2 days of driving each way would definitely tip me into the looney bin :).  The plane ride was frustrating at times, but not awful.  Thanks to my parents, we have a new portable DVD player, which is a HUGE help.  I also recommend lots of books, snacks, and special toys (cars and a teddy bear, in our case).  I took art supplies, too, but we never used them.  Despite some frustrating airport delays, the airline personnel were all very kind and helpful (we were moved to different rows twice in order to make the flight easier). 

Our time in Oklahoma was great.  Restful, fun, definitely worth it.  Here are some pictures of our time:

My dad took My Girl to her very first amusement park - a small one in Oklahoma City.  She was ecstatic!

Somewhat to our surprise, her absolute favorite ride was the "Wild Kitty" roller-coaster.  It wasn't that long ago that such a thing, even a kid-sized thing, would have terrified her.  But she told me excitedly, "I rode it 12 times!"  Dad says it was more like 20 times, and with her hands up in the air (though this picture doesn't show it):

Reading with Nana (she got Nana to read the entire Boxcar Children book to her!):

Peering down from the balcony:

Playing outside on the swing:

Our Little Dinosaur:

When we were getting ready to leave, I pulled out a scale to weigh our suitcase (only 50 lbs. allowed - and that can be hard with 3 people's stuff plus gifts! - and it still costs $50 with baggage fees, grrrr).  The kiddoes played with that thing for a good 30 minutes, weighing everything they could find!

Not pictured:  Swimming in the neighborhood pool.  In Oklahoma, it's still plenty hot enough that the pool was plenty warm enough, even in the morning. 

Our visit was too short, of course, but it was a good break for us.  We are blessed with wonderful family.



asking for help

A couple months ago, I went to a baby shower for a first-time mom.  At some point during the shower, a pad of paper was sent around, and we were supposed to write funny stories or advice about being a mom.  Now, if you know me at all, you know I HATE being put on the spot.  Even on paper.  Having to come up with something cute or witty or meaningful when that paper is thrust into my hands - ugh.  I need time to think about these things, people!  But I did manage to pull one piece of advice out of my very small hat - ask for help when you need it.

I didn't do this very well as a first-time mom.  As everyone says, nothing can prepare you for the roller-coaster ride of parenthood.  But there are people who can help along the way.  And I should've asked for help more often.  I should've asked for help when my beautiful baby was crying all night long and I just needed a nap during the day so that I could feel human again.  I should've asked for help in choosing a pediatric orthopedist rather than just accepting the first doctor they sent me to (who wasn't a pediatric doctor - I didn't even know there were pediatric orthopedists - boy was I naive).  I should've asked for help when my little girl was showing signs that something wasn't quite right developmentally.  Even though we weren't sure, I should've asked for help.  Eventually I did ask for help, and we got help for her, but it would've saved us some worry if we'd asked sooner.

I don't know why it's so hard to ask for help.  Did I buy in to a cultural attitude of do-it-yourself-ness?  Or is it my ingrained reticence that keeps me quiet when I should speak?  Honestly, much of the time when I should've asked for help, it never occurred to me to ask.  It wasn't that I was consciously thinking, "I can do this myself; I can take care of it myself."  There were just some questions I never thought of.

But now that I've had some experience with asking questions, I find myself much more willing.  When it comes to my family, at least.  So when I found out yesterday that My Girl is again showing signs of struggling with sensory processing disorder, I immediately sent out a couple of e-mails and started scouring google for tips and suggestions on helping her.  I know that some parents are leary of having their child labeled with any kind of developmental problem.  I am not one of those parents.  I understand that we don't want a child's sole identity to be wrapped up in a disorder, but I would much rather My Child carry a label and get help than be label-free and just muddle through.  If there's anyone in the school system (or outside of it) who can help her (and us) with her struggles, then I'm all for it. 

I have this horrible suspicion that I'm much less capable willing to ask for help for myself, though.  I have no problem asking for My Girl, but for me?  That's a whole different ball of wax (where did that saying come from - wax? really? ewww).  Maybe it doesn't seem as urgent for myself.  Maybe it's more embarrassing.  Maybe I'm just not sure who to ask.  Yes, all of those.  But we're created to be a communal people.  And as much as I'd rather be the one doing the helping (prideful?), it's just as important for me to ask and allow others to help me. 

I was reading somewhere (I would link to it, but I don't remember where it is - argh!) that one of the best things you can do when trying to build a relationship is to ask for help.  Not in a taking-advantage, manipulative kind of way, but in an honest "I need some help with this and think you have something to offer" kind of way.  I know that I am happy to help someone else when I can, and feel honored if they specifically ask me, so why am I so hesitant to be the one asking? 

As I seek help for My Girl, I hope I will also consider where I can seek help for myself, even when it doesn't seem so urgent.  I believe God wants more for our lives than just muddling through.  I don't want to be a muddler.  I want to see and know This Bright Life, after all :) !

do something every day #1

For the last few months, I have occasionally followed Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project blog.  I have been thinking about coming up with my own happiness project (guidelines on the blog), but I'm not sure I'm organized enough to go whole hog with it.  Instead, I'll just pick and choose some bits from her plan (pick and choose some bits - that's the way I approach a lot of things!).

And one of the bits I've been mulling over is Rubin's strategy to "do something every day."  Now that sounds kinda vague, and possibly overwhelming, but it makes sense.  Basically, she believes it's easier to do something every day than to do it, say, 3 days a week.  Because when we do something every day it becomes habit, but when we do it only some days, we can argue ourselves out of doing it today.  Or we waste energy negotiating about whether today is the day.  Or we just don't get around to it. 

This principle can apply to a lot of things, of course, but there are just few that I want to begin in my own life.  And maybe if I write it down on a blog, I'll be more likely to follow through.  Maybe?  Maybe not, but it's worth a shot! 

But in the interest of not overwhelming myself, I'm going to begin with one every-day-practice at a time, and see if it can become a stuck habit.  Sorta like I tried with reading the book of Mark a while back, but without the pressure to write about it every day. 

So without further ado, Do-Something-Every-Day #1 is...

YOGA!

I'm only a beginner at yoga, and my goal is small (only 20-30 minutes a day), but it's the one exercise-related activity that I seem to be able to do somewhat consistently.  And it definitely makes my body feel better - I don't have back soreness or pain when I'm doing yoga regularly, even just a little yoga.  And it does clear my head and focus my energy for a bit.  I've found that the only time I can manage to do it consistently, though, is early morning before everyone else wakes up.  5:30 to be exact.  This week it seems to be working.  It hasn't even been too hard to get up.  But I know it'll get harder as the weather gets cooler.  And as the days pile up.  But maybe I'll stick with it.  Maybe? 

Full disclosure:  I won't be making this a goal for the weekend, which means I won't actually be doing it every day.  But I'll still be sticking to a certain schedule so there should be no weaseling my way out of yoga on a Tuesday!

I find myself hesitant to publish this post because I feel pretty certain I'm going to fail at this.  But as I read on another blog recently, it can be just as important (if not more) to fail than to succeed.

our weekend in pictures

I haven't taken as many pictures in the last couple of weeks (I overloaded on birthday pics!), but I finally pulled out the camera some this weekend.

Here's my Young Reader reading to my Younger Listener.  It blows my mind how much she can read already.  No Dick and Jane for her.

Here are some soccer pics (full disclosure - these were actually taken last weekend by My Man, but pictures from this Saturday would look similar!):

The Girl is in Soccer School rather than on a Soccer Team (because it never occurred to me back in the spring that we needed to sign her up so early! - but we like this format better anyway).  Much of what they do is play silly games:

Some backyard basketball with Paw-Paw and Daddy:

 

And some silliness with Carina (a sprinkler which the kiddoes treat like a big doll!):

And some general silliness:

Paw-Paw took us to his gym, which has a great indoor pool and splashyard area.  The kids had a blast:

Not pictured:  We dug a flower bed in our front yard - yay!  I say "we," but My He-Man did the large bulk of the work!  One thing I liked about our older home when we moved in was that there are a number of mature bushes and the yard is very low-maintenance.  One thing I didn't like was that there was absolutely nowhere to plant anything new unless we dug up sod.  Which we finally did (and wow, is that a lot of work).  So now we have an area to plant the tulip bulbs that My Girl got for her birthday from Grams, and He-Man already planted a few perennials, though we'll need to plant some more in the spring.  It's nice to have it started, and hopefully we can keep it up.  I love plants but have very little experience with them, so wish us luck!



hope and dismay

Yesterday, I was listening to Here and Now with Robin Young on NPR.  This is my usual practice on the way home from work, and is about the only way I stay up-to-date on world news.  In this particular episode, Robin Young interviewed Brendan Nyhan, author of the study "When Corrections Fail: The Persistence of Political Misperceptions" (Boston Globe report here).   

It's a disheartening study.  Basically, Nyhan finds that correct facts to do not typically change a person's misperceptions, even when those facts are proven and basically irrefutable.  But the study suggests something even more worrisome:  when faced with facts that refute our beliefs, we are likely to hold on to those beliefs even more strongly.  It's a fact backlash, if you will.  Which seems completely counter-intuitive, but is not totally surprising when paying attention to the news.  Notice, for instance, how a growing number of US citizens believe President Obama is a Muslim - an irrefutably false claim, but a claim that supports anti-Obama sentiment for many.

And then there's the horrifying example of the pastor and "church" (yes, I used quotes, because I just can't believe Jesus would claim it as his own) in Florida planning the Qu'ran burning.  Though people from all walks of life, including the military, have condemned their plan, the "church" is determined to carry out the burning.  Why?  Why would they do this, when everyone seems to be asking them to stop?  I wonder what would have happened if they hadn't received any media attention over this.  Would they have been more willing to consider a change if they had been approached privately by people they respect?  I don't know.  But it seems that the massive outcry and attention has only strengthened their resolve to carry on.  [update: it now appears they may cancel the burning, though only on the condition that the Park51 center in NY is moved and the Muslim leader there meets with the FL leader - not exactly a gracious backing down, but at least some movement away from the extremism - so maybe the outcry did finally reach them]

It makes me wonder, when faced with contrary data (or opinion), how often do I just dig in my heels?

This is cause for dismay, to be sure.  But in the midst of the dismay, there is hope.  A friend posted this article on facebook today:  Heartsong Church Welcomes Memphis Islamic Center.  It was so nice to read about kindness and hospitality, rather than the hate and hostility we so often hear in the media.  It seems like some Christ-followers actually try to live like Jesus.

And I hope and suspect it's more than just some.  I hope there are many more instances every day when Christ-followers act like Christ.  When love wins over hatred.  When justice wins over oppression.  When goodness wins over evil.  We just don't hear about them as much. 

Sometimes I have to take a break from the news because it hurts too much.  But stories like the one above remind me that life isn't all bad.  In some cases, it's very, very good.  And my hope is that ultimately the good will triumph.

a fall day!

Ahhhh... it feels like fall!  I'm sure it won't last, but boy, am I lovin' it while it does!  Except for the allergy issues, fall is definitely my favorite time of year.  I'm not a summer-lover.  So the promise of cooler days with more time outside makes my heart sing.  Though spring is supposed to be the time of new life, it's fall that makes me feel that way.  Maybe because of how our lives revolve around school schedules.  It's a new year with new hope and new (or renewed) dreams.  The cooler days give me more energy and renew my spirit.  And really, it needed to be renewed. 

Today has been a lovely day.  Nothing big.  Just little loveliness.  Time spent with a new friend.  Time spent with my family.  Time spent outside.  Pizza pockets and playdough.  Books and a walk.  Dancing and running in circles (in a good way).  Some potty-training success.  Rest. 

Today is the kind of day when I really feel blessed.  I don't just know it; I feel it.  In the depths of my soul.

I am grateful.

first day of preschool!

My Boy started preschool for the first time this week!  He's in a sweet little 2-year-old class (only 5 kids).  And he was ready to go.  Not excited, exactly (because really, how was he to know what he was getting into?), but ready. 

It's one of my great sadnesses that I have missed so much time with My Boy during his toddler years because I had to start an every day job.  And so I struggled with tears yesterday - not because he's starting school but because I missed it.  I didn't get to walk him to class or pick him up after his first day.  But....  But, but, but... I am still very thankful.  I am thankful that he has been with a great sitter who cares for him.  I am thankful that he is growing into a sweet, confident little boy who goes happily off to a new class and comes home with a smile on his face and singing new songs.  I am thankful that he has great preschool teachers who will love him (and say he was the chattiest one in class!  This is amazing, as he's usually chatty only at home).  I am thankful that he gets to go off to school with his dad (who is the preschool director).  I am thankful that my job gives us the money to pay for preschool.  So while I sit here with tears running down my face, I am still very thankful for so much.

Here's my beautiful boy on our front steps just before leaving for school (taken by his dad with his camera phone because I stupidly took the real camera with me to work - argh!):

Here he is showing off his new Lightning McQueen (his obsession right now) backpack.  This was the only Lightning McQueen I could fine, and really looks more like a Snot Rocket backpack (ugh).  Oh well, he still loves it:

Here he is walking into preschool:

Notice he's not wearing his backpack on his back anymore - refused:

And notice how much the stoop outside the church looks just like the stoop at our house!

Here he is putting up his backpack in his classroom (going too fast for a good picture!):

Yay for a brand-new Preschooler!

My 6-year-old!

Here are some pictures from the birthday party and her actual birthday (the day after the party):

My silly princess:

Uncovering the not-so-invisible ink.  The was the way a certain Fairy Godmother left a clue about where the princess wands were hidden.

Some fairies also hid a bag of beads for each girl.  Here's the birthday girl working on stringing them into a necklace:

Birthday cupcakes!  The birthday girl and her dad made these strawberry cupcakes with pink and purple icing and sprinkles. 

Really blurry picture (the only picture!) of the dance party - which turned into more of a balloon fest!

Opening presents on her purple throne (just fabric draped over a chair - it kept falling off, but she still liked it!)

After the party, chillin' in the backyard (still in her party clothes!):

On her actual birthday, eating dinner at the restaurant of her choice - Cici's!  We've really got to teach that child to pick better cuisine :).  Here she is eating mac & cheese pizza (!?):

Opening presents (including the jewelry box I made her):

Notice The Boy in this one:

And that's the end of the birthday madness!